Devastating

I'm fuming, so mad, so upset. Like I could break a brick wall with my bare fists. You know I just put myself out there because why? To be understood, because that's whats wanted and that's what people say they need. So I do. And I realize, there's no (swears) use. They only hear you and yet they never turn a cover to understand you. Consideration, sympathy, empathy, gratitude, they don't understand those emotions and don't know how to give them. Better yet, they don't even know when it's appropriate to stop being the opposite of those things--the only feelings they do know how to give. The worse part is, these people, I've known them for several years now. Yet somehow they still don't get it. They never did and they never will apparently. It's so upsetting how you have to give up on someone after all that time just because they don't know how to feel a little. Anything, I ask for anything, and nothing is what I get.

Pieces

Some people say you have to take the good with the bad. They say it's not worth crying over. They say that you'll be okay. They say not to worry. They say you will eventually move on. They say you can learn from your mistakes. They say you'll learn from your experience. They say everything happens for a reason. They say, they say, they say. Everyday I wonder what I'm doing. Reluctant to realize I'm probably the only one so apt to ask myself that question and not know what the answer is to follow. There are days when I ask myself if it's worth it. Other days I remind myself so immensely that it is. Then the days that follow where I'm positive it's not. And then I lose sight of myself and the circumstance. I then realize I am bias each day. The days I say it's not worth it and do nothing about it, are the days I think I can continue to put up with it-- that my heart won't feel anything if I did something about so I might as well do nothing about it-- I'm my strongest then. The days I say it is worth it and do nothing about it, are the days I think I'm weak because I can't manage to cough up the words to make my thoughts known of where things stand. A confusing cycle that, I only , knowingly and apparently, think about. I'm not strong. I'm weak because I can't talk about it. Because I keep it all in. I'm weak because I know I probably can move on with my life and I'm weak because I know I probably can't. Pieces, words, phrases, they don't make sense in my head and they don't make sense written. They say, they say, they say-- yet they, however, do not know.

Mask

Everyone has something to hide. Everyone has a fear they're ashamed to show. Everyone has the human ability to feel embarrassed and yet they do whatever they can to cover that facet up.

Perdido

It means lost. It's even read in the stars: "You're feeling a little lost today, and for good reason -- you're not getting the guidance you need! Unfortunately, that guidance is not forthcoming today, so try to find your way without a map." It's more as if I haven't gotten guidance in the past year. Writing now feels like a chore. I was so use to venting and creating words on paper that were nicer than the ones clouding my thoughts. I'm pushing myself to write this, at least it's something. So, I took a break this summer from school. It's doing me good. I don't think I would have done well if I continued. I needed a break. I'm honest when I say that I've lost motivation in many things. School has topped that list. I go to a great school though, that's without a doubt. My professors are the best in their league, the readings and the work usually entice me, and yet I still feel like I do my work because I have to and not because I want to. I know I sound irrational right now, but that's how it is. What's worse is that I've found remedies to get my brain working, and yet it causes me to sidetrack from my studies. I read things on my own that I enjoy, and yet could never pursue in school-- there's just no way, and that's where my reasoning plays in. I was always scared of the future and that, I know, makes me lose sight of the present. What will come? So many things have changed now that I believe there is less to lose but all that is left are the ones that really mattered. To note, it's not even the letting go or giving up that is the hardest part, it's the getting use to that aches me. As an example, old friends. I know everyone has drifted, I know I have moved on, but there are those occasional days when you wake up and you wonder why those people are not a part of your life anymore, you don't know why, but you do know that you miss them, and yet you can't reach out to them the same way you use to. You get caught in memories, in reminisces of the past, happy or sad. It makes a framework of what I have now and of what little there is left to lose. And how deafening it would be to lose everything I've accomplished thus far. It's a scary thought-- the future. I'm not sure I'm destined to know what's in store for me. Whatever that means.

Phone

So what does it take to have to lie to someone to get off the phone? Let's just say he was 1. boring 2. naive 3. mean 4. vulgar. Any one of those things and I would have gotten off the phone anyway, but combined? What person puts up with that? Sadly, one girl: her. Well I took the weight off her shoulders for that one hour talking nonsense to a guy so deeply committed to being on his high horse. They both have problems and it drives me mad when they talk to me about it instead of one another. She wants to break up. He wants to break up. She doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything. She waits. He waits. They are stuck. And I am the attentive, mutual, friend in the middle who hears both of their story and comes to the realization that they have problems they need to work out with themselves before committing them to a relationship. They are bounded by lies, deceit, anger, and pain. It's sad really to look at a relationship like that from the outside. I pity people stuck on another because they can't put one foot in front of the other, even when there is someone pushing them to. They want to be the victim, they want to be stuck, they want to be miserable, and so, they are. Too damn bad, if they chose to make the effort to stick to it instead of fixing it.