Romance

I think there's a lot I've gained in the past years and I'm just trying too hard to figure out what it all means in too quick a moment.

Criticism

I hate it.

Spanish

I finished my chemistry quiz quite early today so I decided to walk to Murphy Hall to ask about my classes that I took at LACC. After finding out that I have to petition the class I took, I went back downstairs. There was a man there that came up to me. He asked me if I spoke spanish, I tried to talk about. But I ended up saying "no". He asked, "poquito? espanol?" I said, "uhh poquito". Basically, he found out that he had no change to get back home and that he needed 2.50 to get on the bus. I gave him 3. He was sincerely grateful. He then kept talking to me and I actually understood him. We walked and he asked me my name in Spanish, not scared, I let him know. He asked my age and I answered back in Spanish, he asked me what I was. He was amazed that I was Filipino. He then went on to talk about Marcos as "mal" and Calderon as being good. Afterwards, he said that some people in America just have a rude and mean attitude to "touristas", immigrants. He asked me if I attended school here and I said that I did. Finally making it outside, he held my hand, gave thanks to God and to life, kissed me twice on the cheek. Then held on to me as he told me that his daughter was in Mexico still, his "nina" and that he missed her and the mother was Indonesian--not Filipino, but Indonesian. Walking away from each other after hugging, he kept sayings thanks and I kept responding, "de nada". It was interesting. And I'm pretty sure people would think that I was dumb to give a perfect stranger money and walk away so easily but you know what, I give him the benefit of the doubt. It feels good.

On another note, Diego wants to go out with me tonight. I'm not ready to see him. I have quite a lot to catch up on anyhow. So I plan on doing my work before anything else. I'm moving on, and being away, having him be what feels like a city apart is actually helping me to do so. I guess I needed this.

Fresh Air

I'm in Powell right now. I just finished walking around. I had to take a Math Diagnostic exam earlier. Afterwards, I was too lost that I just kept walking. I was around Bruin Walk already and I decided to turn around, go through South Campus and then into North. I ended up here after 30 minutes of having no sense of deliberation. My head was positioned down as my eyes watched my feet pacing foot after the other. I don't know what it is I really need. I'm unsatisfied with everything. And there must definitely be something wrong with me; if its not the school that's undeserving, then honestly--like anyone hasn't figured it out yet--it's me. I think that there is a lot I have to think about and a lot of irrelevant things I need to stop wondering about.

Serenade

He calls and I actually pick up. His voice seems sincere and mine in particular, definitely was. I picked up the phone so that we could fix things. That's what always happens. And somehow, I felt different, like things weren't supposed to be fixed. That we should just leave it as is--let it be. Anyway, he called to tell me that he had a bad day. Apparently--from what he says--he cried. He let out his emotions to one of the suite-mates, Dustin. And he told me what got to him, it was plain and simple: our families. The last thing I said the other night when I hung up on him was that I hated the fact that he held me on a string and yet allowed me to get to know his family and at the end of it all, I felt like I meant nothing to him. It hurts to know that I have to leave all of that behind because of him and because I was foolish enough to be led by him. Well at least that's what it felt like to me. He went on to tell me that he had a headache and that he actually had some respect toward the traffic that day. It got him to think. He even started running; its another way to vent out stress and I know what that feels like. I went running last night too. Right now, I don't know if I'm doing better or worse than I expected. Everything is pretty much blurry and i still don't know where he is heading or where I am heading. We seem to be at ends. He on the other hand, is complicating me. He always does this but through years of experience, I feel like we're going to end up in the same place if we really don't take this ending seriously. Things just can't get fixed that easily anymore. I'm fatigued and I'm tired and I've spent too many restless nights waiting for a phone call just to hear his voice for a moment or two. I love him, and maybe he does love me, but what good is it to keep hurting each other? And hurting each other, as seen through everything we've been through and are going through, is simply inevitable now. I wish I could look past this-- I want to tell him that I want to see him, that maybe we can just talk and perhaps work things out but a part of me, a part of my heart, is saying not to-- that it just can't take it anymore. Just let him go. I'm so attached though. Its great I must say to know what he had the same feelings I did, he told Dustin that things are different in the way that we just can't go to school the next day and go home being together again. Now it's just not that simple. Things are more complicated, and less easy, and I don't know what kind of a test this is, but its proving a lot. Maybe he needs this, I know I do and yet, I wish that perhaps we could fix this but maybe this time, trying not to fix it and just letting it go would be the best thing. As much as I want him and as much as I need him, the hurt I go through everyday isn't worth it when I'm with him. And yet I find the irony that if i'm without him, it is worth it. This isn't going to be easy. And with him saying that all he wants is me, I can't succumb to that level of actually believing it yet. There's so much of myself that I've lost already, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't need this kind of problem in his life. I don't want him to let me go because it hurts but I don't want him to hold me in that same position of not having to be his. I guess it just comes down to what hurts more. I wish I could see him, but things are going to end up the same. I like the fact that his suite mate wanted to actually serenade me with our song. But what good would that really do? I know what I want, but what does he? And what is he willing to do to get it this time? And yet again, I'm waiting.

Alone Again

As if it weren't true, now it's just official. It was nice knowing I had him, it was a security, something I could be proud of. And yet through all our troubles he wasn't. It matters to me when he says we're not together especially to other people. Thanks. For all I had to be happy about, for you being my boyfriend, I still wasn't yours. And that's what truly hurts. It's hard to say where I'm going. He's my weak spot and yet thinking about it just makes me so confused about what I want-- what I need back. But he apparently doesn't bother to fix anything. One night of phone calls. That's what I'm worth. I guess he and I have a problem with lacking expectations. I've been here before and you know what, as much as I thought I'd get use to all of this, I still haven't. It hurts to feel this, it's more than pain, it's gone farther than hurting me emotionally, I'm weak and nothing can fix me. Not one bit of laughter, not a joke, not friends, not talking, not even writing. Now what's that suppose to say? I wish it would just stop, I wish I'd get stuck in a moment and not have to wonder about the next. I wish we had each other and I didn't have to worry about trust or honesty or anything like that. I wish it was just simple-- him, me, love, life...us.

Lies

I'm just as deceitful as I prove myself to be. I can't move on. I can't get past him. I can't forget about him. And I still can't forgive him or myself. I feel like I have a sinus and nothing is clearing up. My eyes are puffy, my head is foggy, and my nose is stuffy. So these are the withdrawal symptoms of a relationship ending. How inevitable was it? How was I so swept away that I couldn't see myself falling apart. Why do I try and blame him when I'm just a part of it as he was. I have to blame myself for not being enough. And I have to blame myself for all the hurt and pain that I'm feeling right now. I held on to him when that's exactly what he didn't need. I'm still attached. I still can't do anything to make myself feel better. I can try my best to preoccupy myself with work, friends, and more work, but at the end of the day, he's the one thing that's on my mind and sadly, still my priority. Why does this break up feel different? Why does it really feel like he and I are through? Why is it that I can't go to school the next day, see him, and make up? Why are we so distant? Why is that distance more than a mere physical barrier now? Why do I know that my heart is finally broken and why isn't he here to hold me.

Unusual

He's not going to call me back, after all those exchanges of brutal words. There's nothing left. Whatever. I'm worth it, I don't need the drama. I don't need that part in my life. I can look past him now. I can live life just as much as he's living it. And you know what? I'm going to get started, right, now. Being with him ruined me, he was such a mistake, and I was probably the best thing that ever happened to him. I fucking loved him and now look where that got me. Great. I need a walk. I need a drink, I need something, fuck him. Fuck that. It's in the past. Wow do I have a lot to catch up on. To think, I really loved him. I really wanted to be with him. And yet, now, what does he have? Every other girl. And myself? Nothing. And to be honest, what I have, my pride and my life, and my heart back, is better than whatever it is he could ever amount to. So, in the words of Larry, That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.

Memory

I have never taken him for granted. I just miss the love we use to share. And lately, I get upset at the fact that I have to actually wait for it-- to wait for him. That's what it feels like. It was never me that never opened up...the loving part. Yeah, he told me about his life, about his problems, his school, and never something out of those topics. I just wanted to hear an I love you sometimes, but no, that would have been too much to ask for. When it comes down to it, it wasn't me who went on hiding feelings, it was him. Or maybe, maybe he just didn't have those feelings for me. I guess you can't really tell can you. But, I must say, the more he pushes me, the more he thinks it's me, just makes me feel further away from him. Everyday, its not the distance apart we are by miles and feet, its the distance I'm feeling of losing him and not knowing who he is anymore, thats what scares me.

Closer

Attraction. Love. Passion. Betrayal. Watching the movie, I expected something harsh but instead I understood every second of it; life happens and love happens and those same four elements are just a part of it. I need to forget that he's gone. I can't go on this way, feeling that somehow deep down inside, he needs me. He doesn't, it shows. There's so much more I can do than to waste my time fretting about whether or not he cares. He of all people , why me? In response to a question a friend who asked, "If there's anything you could change about her, what would it be?" He supposedly said there was nothing he could possibly change and yet, that goes to show how much people's own influence is in our relationship. It's hypocritical to each and every critique and judgment that I live through, but then again, his excuse is that he cares, thus, his trace of each and every flaw of mine is justified. What is it about him that makes me need him? Is it the time, the experience, the chase? The need to want someone who doesn't need you back? Inevitably though, that chase can't go on forever, perhaps love can, but not even that can subsist in a situation of conditional love. He has no idea what I'm going through, and all in all, history yet again chooses to repeat itself. Why won't he let me love him.

Him versus Me

Is it a battle of who cares the less? Of who can take their pride and choose that over the other? What is it about him--in fact, what is it about me that he can't possibly supply any sort of care or display of affection toward? I'm bewildered by his actions that lead me to think of myself as trivial and insignificant. I need more from him everyday and yet he on the other hand seems to need less of me in every moment. Something is getting in the way and I'm trying to find out what it is and at the same time, too scared to unravel something that might just as well devastate me. He has a new life perhaps, but I still don't want to know that I'm not a part of it.

Careless

I don't think he gives. He's changed and I'm getting worn down every time I have to be around him to actually feel it. Things are different and so is he. And again, I'm letting myself get stuck in one moment while anticipating the next instead of just living it. He's not mine so why should I be his? I shouldn't and now I have to go back to actions of carelessness. I have myself and that's all that matters--at least that's what I'm telling myself. How could he be so cold hearted? Even the him I use to know wasn't as much. This is different, this is change, this was what I was afraid of. By the way, he watched the movie without me. And not that it matters, but for every time I watched something for him, he knew that I didn't want to and yet still did. From him? What expectations could I possibly have from him? What could I possibly ask of him? He and I have a problem, and yet again, I'm too ashamed and too afraid to say anything.

"Simply Because"

It's simple. I don't know where I stand in my life right now. I cling on to the past hoping that I can relive each memory but its inevitable--I know I can't. What makes it even more difficult is that I cling on to him. He's my comfort zone. I'm at home with him and when I'm away from that I feel...lost. It's just hard knowing that he's doing fine, setting the perfect example of the underdog who made it to a great college and who is certainly living up to his potential. [Out of Context] I just looked up my old blogs and found out they're still alive-- phew. athi33.blogspot.com and semi-swt.blogspot.com and xanga.com/athi33 and xanga.com/merel_ynn. There are things that I've been reluctantly keeping inside. I'm afraid of being alone and yet, when I am, that's the only time I have to reflect on my life on everything going on within it. That's when creativity plays no role on how I have to be with people but how my abilities can be understood by others through this, through words, through sentences, through writing.