Blame

I'm going through the grieving process-- it feels like he's died, I'm not even kidding you. It feels like he's gone and there is absolutely no way of me finding him. I want to go back to him but it's impossible. I don't know who he is anymore. I don't know what hes become. What's worse is that I blame myself. It had to have been me that made him this way. I was never enough. He was never satisfied. This feels all too familiar. But what did I ever do to receive all of this hurt? He cheated on me. It's been two days and we haven't talked. These 48 hours feels like eternity. I'm waiting for a phone call that I know isn't coming. I'm waiting to have the courage to call him and tell him how much I'm hurting-- but what for? To try to make things work? I can't do that as much as I want to. It feels pointless to fix something that can't be fixed. What he did can't be undone. He cheated on me. It's that simple and that ridiculously complicated. Why do I even feel like it wasn't the first time? I need someone to answer me. I'm pleading here. I wish I could believe him but there has to be something wrong when I just truly feel it. I can't be okay questioning what he does everyday. It's not reasonable. And for him, did I make it that easy for him to just walk in and out of my life like that? I get nothing in the end. I cried half of the nights we were together. I cried because I was scared to lose him. I cried because I was happy to be with him. I cried because we would have little fights. And now that we've lost each other it just feels all too surreal. I want things to be fixed but they're not going to. I'm dreading each minute that passes by knowing that I can't turn to him for love. It feels requited. You don't cheat on someone that loves you. You don't say you love someone and then do something so senseless. I want to scream that out to him. I want to ask him why me? I want to know why he couldn't just love me for me? I want to know what I did that kept him unsatisfied. You know what, perhaps he really would have been better off dead. I mean it because then he would see me right now, he would see me falling apart. He'd see me crying my eyes out. He'd see me in the mornings when I can't even get out of bed. He'd see all the things that ever reminded me of him get thrown in a trash bag. He'd see how hard it is for me to let go. He'd know that all I'm doing is thinking about him. He'd see that I turn on the television just to get the images of him being with another person out of my head. He'd see that what I'm feeling is worse than anything I've ever felt before. And maybe, hopefully, he'd realize that he's done this too many times to me. He'd realize that I had every right to question him when I did. How could you do this to me? How could you hurt me like this? What did I ever do to you? Tell me, what did I ever do to you but fall in love with you? Was it for all the wrong reasons? You were perfect for me. I thought I was perfect for you. Why am I all of a sudden wrong now? Was I wrong to think that? Tell me. Tell me why I'm wrong. Tell me the exact reasons we don't deserve each other. Tell me why this can't be fixed. I need to know what to do after this. I don't know how to live after you. I don't know how to go on. All I ever did was love you and that was it, that was all.

Video

The Beach

The beach sounds like heaven to me right now. Finals are here and I'm not ready for them. A few moments ago I was revising his essay on complementary opposition and segmentary lineage-- I know, it seems like a lot and thats a reason I find no interest in taking an Anthropology class anytime soon. In light of my procrastination, I have plans to go visit the beach with him Friday night. I think he's being very romantic and its uncanny and at the same time cute, at least coming from him. Sadly, it seems like his efforts are going to waste. I'm not quite sure if I need that kind of love around me anymore. I really don't need the fluff and the flatter, I just want something real-- something stable. I'm hoping all the emotions in me right now, however cold and careless they may seem, are just a phase though. I want him to win me over and I'm letting myself get won over because I really don't have expectations. Maybe I love him now but I just want to feel that same sincerity I did before, the one when I was in love with him.

Relationship

It seems that I truly don't care. I'd like to blame it on my period, hoping it's just a phase. Perhaps its not, but he and I only have yet to see. I was right, sooner or later I was just going to be numb. Getting labeled his girlfriend doesn't matter to me. Having to see him each week doesn't matter to me. Knowing his family-- as much as I hate to say it-- isn't a big deal for me anymore. He made me this way and I wish I could cry about this as much as I use to so at least I would still feel but I don't. If I see him once during this vacation that's fine with me. It's not even taking him for granted, it's realizing that he's taken me for granted and now my priorities have been rearranged. Last Christmas I thought I'd be missing him because I felt like I was going to lose him-- that it was inevitable that he and I fade this time of the year. But in actuality, what I never saw coming, he lost me.