Nobody Move

I guess you can say that I'm moving forward with my so called "drawings" or whatever they are. My sketch book is coming along and I'm hoping that I won't get disinterested in it. I need something to cling to and this is something positive, especially since I'm trying to rid myself of bad habits. Well I finished both my midterms and I had a pretty long day today, I still have a biology quiz tomorrow on my lab demo and I'm not sure I want to study for it. I have the morning to study for it at the least. Oh, by the way, I'm wondering why I'm keeping all the bitterness in me. Yeah, my sneaky self is going over everything. I'm rethinking a lot but there's a part of that's just not going to let it all go, at least, not yet. Good warning to myself, I better leave it in the past, let the future come and live the present.

Simple

I'm keeping it simple, black and white images. I'm at least drawing which is a different kind of escape. I love writing and now I love trying to do this. My life is now composed of drawings, writing, and music. Frankly, I don't want to need anything else. I need myself to to do these things and listen to the music I want to and that's easier than needing or relying on anyone else. The day I stop believing in the genuine human being seems moments away. Can't even make me smile anymore. I need to sleep, focus on school, and hopefully be able to learn how to draw some more. Let's see what kind of emotions I can set on a piece of paper this time.

Quiet

I am not here strictly for you. I am not here to wait on you. I am not here to listen to each and every single thing you have to say. I am not here to pick up after to you. I am not here to throw away your trash. I am not here to make your bed. I am not here to clean your desk. I am not here to fold your clothes and reorganize your closet. I am not here to cry on. I am not here to wake you up in the morning. I am not here to pay for you. I am not here to look after you. I am not here to tell you how you should do things or how you should lead your life. I am not here to make choices for you. I am not here to just be taken for granted. I am not here for you to take advantage of me. I am not here for you to make fun of me or belittle me. I am not here for you to cheat on me. I am not here for you to play with my heart or my mind. I am not here to have to share anything I don't want to share with you. I am not here to replace anyone else. I am not here to act as a substitute for anyone else. I am not here for you to have to rely on. I am not here to tell you I care or that I love you or that I miss you. I I am not here just for you, I am here for myself, I am here to feel loved and maybe to love you back, I am here to want to be here for you, as long as I can still try and hold on and maybe, actually, be happy.

Sex

"Most people need sex to have meaning because the alternative is too frightening: being sexual in an existential vacuum. Sex without meaning would require participants to float freely in sexual experience, rather than being snugly anchored in a cognitive framework. "Intimacy," for example, is a common rallying point for people who need sex to have Meaning. "Intimacy" (which, of course, means radically different things to different people) is fine. But setting it up as a standard for "healthy" sexuality creates a hierarchy of sexual experiences, downplaying or even excluding many of its most important aspects. But the fact that sex has no meaning is scary. It means that every time you're sexual you're adrift. It means you have to take responsibility for your choices and experiences. So we need to deal with this fear by confronting it: by looking sex straight in the eye of its deep, black maw, and walking straight in--whistling a happy tune, if necessary --trusting sex and ourselves, knowing that the worst thing that can happen is merely that we'll have an experience we don't want to repeat. Because we can't learn to walk without falling a few times. The question is, what's more important--learning how to walk, or preventing a few bumps along the way?"Sex-- emotional or physical? Guess which one it is, anyway, you should sure as hell have realized they don't go hand in hand. I say that's something you should learn nowadays. I guess what I'm trying to say is that some people say sex doesn't have to mean anything at certain times. Like when they don't want it too-- at least, that's what I've heard. So, when does it mean something? You can't just go around having sex with other people and have each one of them not mean anything. Or go around having each of them mean something-- well maybe some people can but everyone's has to pick and choose now when it's supposed to be "special"? If it is the case, then why not just make it never mean anything. What do you think, no fuss, no mus right? Yeah, I'll leave it at that.

Podcast

So I've decided to go public for a little while, I'm on the internet-- literally. I'm just really bored and irritable that I might as well share that with the rest of the world. And not to worry, it is safe but there are some weird looking people on the website. Oh yeah, I picked up drawing and boy am I not good at it. Have I mentioned how irritable I've been lately? Everyone is getting on my last nerves, hope it's not me, well it's not! So, I just finished video chatting with someone. Awkward. Well I need to shower and get ready. Finish this and my drawing later. Oh yeah, please don't be awkward and stalker watch me, but yeah.. this is what it looks like, oh and click on the live video icon, maybe you'll catch me.

Chronic

So I was right. I'm thinking, sometimes you have to go out of your way to get to the bottom of things. You see, it is true-- even the little things do make a difference and well, now I know where things are going. At least I had expectations and they were the ones the old me wouldn't want but hey, a low expectations is better than none at all. Anyway, I have to have a "family" dinner today, do notice the quotation marks please. EDIT: Okay, well I'm cozy in my bed right now and I want to sleep but I still have to do math homework unfortunately. Dora and Josh came by and we ate. It was nice to see them and it felt good to laugh with them. I sadly do have to go home tomorrow because the laundry machine's here aren't working. I went to the 6th floor too. Anyway, I'm stuck on a song right now. I have a lot to do and I'm trying to figure out where to start. All in all, I don't care. Rather, I don't want to care. Well my wall is blank and it's looking sad, lonely, and way too white. I can't think of decorations to put up though, I loved taking pictures and I loved looking at my pictures. I guess, that goes along with it too though, just have to grow up and get over it someday. Blah. I have homework to do and thai food to eat.

"Vulnerable"

You know what, I actually am vulnerable. I'm vulnerable enough to hurt someone right now, and not just in the physical way either. Okay, I need to breathe. Yeah, lots and lots of breathing. I'm having my bipolar moment if you don't mind. I've been busy all day and then I was about to take a shower when I actually had some time to think about something other than school work, and a thought came across my head. And it all really comes down to the one thing I don't understand. Well whatever, I really shouldn't think about it right? Well in light of it all, he's quite lucky. Because even being vulnerable makes me weak right now-- too weak to actually do anything. Well maybe, actually, that's a strength now that I think about it. I mean, look where it got him right? And not to demean him or anything, but unfortunate as it was and given the ugly circumstance that I had to figure it out from, I guess I was the one really secure with myself and my relationship with him. Ha, wow, bad move. At least I was secure, even though I shouldn't have been. To think... well I'm done with the what ifs. My life sucks, no wonder all the people I know are a great big part of it! Mmm.. sarcasm suits me well. Anyway, I was doing some thinking, since he and I are not really together but kind of are, non exclusive relationship? Just so I don't have to worry about anything that might have bothered me in the past. Okay, so maybe I really don't want that but ugh, there I go again, trying to make things worse and not better. Bad habit. Well i'm just trying not to put my heart out there right now, and as much as I care about him, I really need to care about me more. I don't care what he calls it, idiotic, a dumb mistake, whatever it is, he still made a choice and that choice got me here. Ugh. I'm really getting tired of writing about this. Makes me mad at myself for being this damn upset.

Analog

So my tutoring hours for science got changed from the times that I have my seminar to the time I have my ge discussion. Great, that helps. Anyway, I had three awful dreams last night. Not one, but three. The first one was about some kind of asteroid. It was supposed to hit us at a certain time in the evening, 6:30. Weird right? So everyone was scared around me and frantic. I called him to tell him I missed him and he said hold on and hung up on me. Okay, that was nice, I was about to die and I get a hold on and then the dial tone. Well, my next dream wasn't any better. We were at his suite and it looked different. There were weird mazes behind his doors and then it changed to a scene where we were in his car and he tells me, oh, and this is something to remember, he says "I don't miss being with you like I used to" and I turned my head to the window on my side and to hide how upset I was I said "good, so you know how I feel too". Then I started tearing up. And my other dream, last but not least, I was in a room and people were just evil and scary. I heard about a friend who tried to leave all of it and then somehow died. Yeah, it had something to do with the clouds-- every time they would appear, the people on the ground it was covering from the sunlight turned into something... they looked like some kind of mix between vampires and werewolves. I haven't even turned on my television this whole week so I don't know where all that's coming from. Oh, and to top it off, I woke up and it was dark at 10 in the morning, you guessed it-- clouds and rain.

Home

You guessed it. I stayed home instead. I'm just a little bit vulnerable and if I went I would have made trouble. It seems to find me easily. Of course, I wasn't the instigator in the past. I'm going to be a good girl though. I'm still innocent, I know it. I'm still honest to myself, and really, that's what counts right now. I want to feel good about myself, I don't care about anyone else's view. As hurt as I still am, I'm respecting myself and that makes me feel good. Okay, well that's a lot of optimism. Give me a break though. Well I have one little problem and it's a physical one. You'd think I wouldn't have health problems right? Well I know-- hope-- its nothing serious and I'm probably over reacting but I've done some horrible things to my body in the past weeks. There was a day when I was walking by myself. I got out of the house to get some air to clear my head and I had it in my bag and I was so upset and so confused and so isappointed. Call me dumb and emo, but I was. Well I took them. And you don't have to know what they were but after walking back home, thirty minutes after realizing how stupid I was for doing that, I went to the bathroom to try to binge it out but I didn't eat anything that day and nothing came out. I'm dumb right? I'm never doing that again. I'm embarrassed at how that was one of the lowest, dumbest points in my life. And now I at least know nothing can ever be worse than me hurting myself. Well I have lots to do in the morning. So sadly, I think I'll leave it at that, night.

Aftertaste

So I had that dinner I was supposed to. It was interesting and I'd like to leave it at that but I guess I figured out some things. Friendships really don't last like they deceive you to. There really is no one to have faith in nowadays. Well I guess I might as well talk about it, I figured out how lonely and abandoned some people are and what they do to hide that emptiness. And all it took was to have a dinner with strangers; even the people I knew before were just that. It hurts to be forgotten, I guess I knew where they were coming from. Anyways, I'm not criticizing but rather observing it. I understand them, they're searching for someone to really be there for them when in reality, the people that they want in their lives simply strain to be. It's a sad thing to look for something, anything, to fill the hole in your heart. I guess some people just want to be acknowledged by the ones they love and when they don't, they look for anything or anyone who'll blind them from what their missing. They may leave you happy for the moment, but trust me, those moments don't last and when they don't, you're only stuck with even more problems and a hell of a bad aftertaste. Edit: There's a game I've decided I want to pursue. It's going to take sixty days to fully have it's effect and it's all about roleplaying. Guess I should start soon.

Change

So I'm in bed in my home home right now. I get the feeling I'm changing and it scares me a little. I guess sometimes all you need is a little breakthrough or in my case, a breakdown, to actually see things clearly. My eyes are sore but its not from crying, its from being lethargic and tired. I've been staring at my computer screen looking for good music and something, well anything to keep me interested in to at least fog my memory for the time being. I'm glad to be in my room again and not feel bad about all the things that's gone on this week on top of all the things I've been thinking about. In other news, I took my pictures down. And trust, there were many surrounding my bed. Pictures are good to have of my friends. But I need something more meaningful than that. I need something that shows me well, me. I'm still not quite sure what that is yet but by the end of this year I'm optimistic enough right now that it will hopefully be filled with something that means just a little more. Not to forget the friends and loved ones I use to have, but to move on, new slate, new person, and well if that doesn't work, just replace all the times I used the word new in this last sentence to different and see how that works out.

Stripped

"Love has a way of blinding even the sharpest minds. We don't look because we don't want to see. But once love is stripped away, we see the real person clearly. They're revealed to us, with all their flaws, their foibles, and their secrets." I hate having to mention it, but its there. Before I sleep its on my mind. When I wake up I think about it. When I shower I'm crying about it. When I'm in class I hate myself for getting distracted by it. Someone tell me what my flaws are, someone please tell me what it was I did wrong or what I am doing wrong. Why did he find someone else that day? What was wrong with me. Restless. Boring. Possessive. Excessive. Quiet. Jealous. Introverted. Actually, I can put it in two words: not enough. That's where I get at. And there's no use thinking about it as much as I do. It won't get me anywhere. And you know what, he said it was six months ago and I should forget about it, yeah and on some level I get that. He even starts to tell me that whenever he "thinks" I'm upset with him. He doesn't want to bring it all up because it was in "the past". He says things like "it was six months ago" and you know what, think about it. As far away as six months ago may have been, it was still three and a fucking half months into whatever it was I thought we had. I'm mad still and its not even at him anymore, its at myself. Well I better suck in my tears and this stuffy nose before my roommates come back right? Yeah, right.

Hidden

I'm pretty much on track with everything and after I'm done ranting about whatever it is I have to, I'm going to bed to get at least seven hours of rest. Beside the fact that I'm sick, what else is possibly running through my mind other than my cold? Well I was waiting to go to my tutoring class today and I lucked out with having an extra thirty minutes before it actually started. It wasn't enough time for me to go back to my dorm so I found a study room by my tutoring class and I sat there. I made a list of real new year's resolutions. They aren't like the ones I have on-line about academia in general but instead, about me. I have a lot of changes to make. I figure, I've been the one so disappointed these past years by the people around me with the friends I thought I could talk to and the boyfriend I thought I could trust that I'm beginning to wonder that maybe it's not them, maybe one day I'm sadly going to wake up and realize that I'm the disappointment, that I brought upon everything that's happened to me. I'm still straying for that day, hoping it's not coming. But sooner or later, I might just have to face it. Until then, I'm trying my best to change how I look at things, to care less about what people do-- to the people around them or to me-- and simply, care more about myself. I truly feel like people came first in my life. I know for a fact that he was one of those people. On top of him though, I cared more about his and other's problems while I hid from my own. Where did I end up after that? I ended up with people keeping things from me and people lying to me. I'm tired of having to look back at that, I'm tired of all of it. Everyone can go on lying, betraying, backstabbing, and hurting each other. But I'm done being apart of it. I want to move on from all that selfishness. Those people, all of them, are just acquaintances now. I have no real friends, and those I thought I had before are nothing more than what they just easily set themselves up to be: people around me who thought they knew me. I'm putting all of the hurting aside and I'm ready to come first in my life for once. I guess this is the part where I get detached from everything I thought I could believe in to hopefully, alone and by myself, start again. Wish me luck.

Love

New new year's resolution, stop using, thinking, wishing for that word.

Second Thoughts

I'm talking about school and the life a student has to lead around it. There are a lot of things that I want to make different this quarter and I'm starting well... with myself. Ever since the end of middle school, I told myself that high school would be different. Then, I met him and things were. Though we had our rocky start with the whole friend liking him first, he made me feel different, no one ever made me feel that happy. I know it was the past and all, but it was my past and as much I know its ridiculous to dwell on memories that were literally years ago, I'm happy to know he was there along the way. Ever since then, he's been my sense of security. What I'm really trying to get to is that, I'm afraid to lose that now. There's so much I have to be serious about with being in college. I still feel lost sometimes and I know I have to find my own way eventually but I don't want to mess up. I'm scared that I've been taking things for granted too many times. I'm in a university many other students would appreciate to be in and I'm just listless about it. I hover. I'm grateful that he's been my strength and motivation at times, but I'm still trying to find my passion and it's hard not knowing what feels right. Everything feels temporary for some reason-- I feel temporary. I guess I'm putting too many things in perspective right now, I'm still thinking about him and the trust we loss in each other on top of what I plan on doing with the rest of my life. Great amount to think about right? You'd think love and life would go hand in hand and yet I'm finding out that it takes a lot of failed attempts in both before you end up with something real, whether it be someone or something, it's whatever makes you feel worthy enough and happy enough to be here at the end of the day. Lucky enough, I found one of the two already.

Back to School

I'm here and oh dear.

Hydroplaning

It occurs when a problem of trust builds between your significant other and the one he or she "loves"--yourself-- leading to your loss of hope and thus provoking you to fail in response to a change in reassurance to things such as care, love, and fidelity. It becomes, in effect, his or her triggered and emotional seek for change for, what I hate to say, is probably only in that moment. Let's try to translate that, finding that it can be a perfect word to make connections to, here is the real definition as cited from wikipedia. Hydroplaning: It occurs when a layer of water builds between the rubber tires of the vehicle and the road surface, leading to the loss of traction and thus preventing the vehicle from responding to control inputs such as steering, braking, or accelerating. It becomes, in effect, an unpowered and unsteered sled. Okay, so the first translation didn't come out exactly as I hoped. I guess you figured it was raining today. Moving on. I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm ready for the new quarter. There's a lot of things I didn't do last quarter and I have to be on top of things this time. There really is no room to mess up. I had my fall quarter for adjusting and that was all I needed. I'm glad there will be something to keep my mind off of my life though. School and the textbooks that come along with it usually keep me off of wondering about what's really wrong; I at least hope it will. This might just be my chance to change for myself. Which reminds me of the other day when he said that he wants to change. All in all, I told him to wait for me because I would get over our problem in time. But in all honesty, who is really waiting here? I'm the one impatiently waiting for him to change but can he? Better yet, will he? And with everything that has happened, I'm just here trying my best to remind myself everyday that I shouldn't lose hope. Sometimes I wish I just hear it from him though. I guess I'm risking it all again. And as much as I'd like to say there's nothing left to lose this time around, there are still pieces of me wanting to get mended. There is one thing I have to do though, I need to believe in him again and yet, I'm still blissfully wondering what's taking me so damn long?

Homewrecker

Don't worry, the title has to do with the song by hellogoodbye. Anyway, I (I think) am being quite progressive. Tomorrow I'm picking up Dora and we are going shopping. Sounds like middle school talk but I haven't seen the girl in ages and I need to make sure she's still alive. I'm serious. Well I woke up today to my phone ringing about three times from three different people. I didn't pick up. I tell you anything before noon is early to me. Hmm.. what's so special about Wolfgang Puck making a salad? Must be the fact that he cooks and has an accent. The only thing on food network at 1 in the morning is his cooking class so sorry I even bother to write about it. On another note, I'm working on my resolutions. I'm actually looking at #13 right now. I think I even broke that on New Year's Day. Bad, I know. Beside that, I spent the afternoon with him. He picked me up and we went to Target. He didn't buy anything but I did. We fought in the car and gave one another headaches. It's not cute, my head still hurts. We bought Sobe and copied the youtube video perfectly I think. He left after we watched Punk'd. It felt nice to be around him. I still have a lot to think about though, I guess I'll just leave it at that. I'm actually quite sleepy right now anyway.

I Can't

Who am I kidding? All this talk and all this hope but in the end... I really don't think I can forgive him. I really don't think I'll ever get over it. What have I been doing all this time but making it harder on the both of us. I don't know what I'm saying, I need sleep, I think I'm right though. I trusted my heart and it just brought me here, I have to trust my mind this time and it's telling me to do the hardest thing, I have to let him go.

"Goodbye"

It's a song, I'm not sure if I take it to heart. But here: I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when my heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your hand. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. I am a dreamer and when wake, you can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me,remember us and all we used to be. I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the mother of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, and I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bare my soul in time, when I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. -- I change moods pretty fast don't I? I hate being sad, its not attractive, I feel it though so what am I supposed to do?

Awake

I know, I'm still awake. I can see the time, 2:31 am, tic toc. So he told me before that he went and read my past blogs. Well I just nit picked and read my xanga. I had a lot of life in me before and you know what? I believe there's still some left in me. He changed me, and I am a different person than I was before-- not better, not worse, just different. I'd like to think I developed all my characteristics into what I am now without forgetting all the values I learned and the experiences I had along the way. I still write like before, I still clean like before, and I still stay awake past a grown man's curfew. Which reminds me, when he called today, did he give me a curfew to be home at 10pm? I think he did, but back to my point. Anyway, I've been so sad that I forgot how happy I can really be. You know, there must have been things I had to be busy with during those 14 years of my life that he wasn't taking care of me, and I know he's done a lot worse that I could call it anything but taking care, but he really did overall. I do love him for that and I have to thank him for keeping me happy and sharing some of my best memories. He is a big part of my life, he is my other half, and I won't ever forget that. For right now though, with most of the world nestled in their bed a quarter into their sleep, I've had a little epiphany-- I know I can be happy. I'll fall a couple of times along the way before I get up and of course there's the "then again.... this will all probably change in the morning" but for right now I can bask in the past and realize everything happens for a reason, and there's a lot more coming my way so why not move onto something new, unknown, and just waiting to be broken again. Whether I chose to risk my heart for him or whether I chose to risk finding my way back to him some other day, I think I'll stay safe... I'll let you know my decision when I find it out.

Loneliness

--it is definitely something I have to cope with, (again) I think. I had dinner with Josh today and despite the fact that I was reminded I'm always the last to know, I realized something. He told me about the kind of relationship his brother had/has with his "ex" girlfriend. As if the term "ex" ever really matters since they are still dating, "seeing each other". I asked him how long they were together, and not that I want to compare but they've been together since freshman year of high school. He cheated on her. And just as he said, she keeps going back to him. He even told me that that's probably what's going to happen to me, "you'll see Athleen, you'll see." To be honest, I wanted to know why he didn't believe in me, and he just told me that its plain and simple, "he'll always be the one you love, look at you right now, you're still calling him, you can't let go-- see?" But I don't want to end up that way. I can't hold on to him forever with him treating me the same way. And I know and I understand he wants to change because that's what he tells me. But will he? If not for me, for himself? He has had me since the start and yet he's only giving me a part of himself now? He's only promising that he wont hurt me now? I don't want to bet with my heart anymore; through all the ache, I don't even feel like its worth anything anymore. My heart has died and as much as I'm trying my best to revive it myself, the little left of it can not go through the same pain over again and trust me, the next time I could kill myself-- I know that sounds dumb and extreme, but that's how brutally painful it is to even have to live with. I didn't know loving someone could be so hard. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next time this happens again but I can't-- I won't. I told him to wait for me because I said that I would get over him cheating on me eventually but I'm so unbelievably scared that for once this time, I'm the one that lied. I want to prove myself wrong. I want to fail without him with me. But how long will our show for love last? I don't want to be the one that gets stepped on and cheated on and just lives with it. I can't be that girl. It hurts too much to be her. I wish he would just tell me what's best for me. But even that moment we had in the car together, he couldn't tell me. That in itself proves that he doesn't think he's best for me. He didn't even lie about it and his silence meant everything at that point. You don't know how much I'm begging God even that he is the one, that he is the best out there for me but define best because I know someone that hurts you so much and pains you with all this betrayal and remorse in the end is not the best. Yet again I'm left here, I either take him as he is with the chance that he could change or the enormous risk that he won't and then break whatever is left of me.

Promise

He left. He came yesterday, no one was home and he went to my room. We watched Wicked. I was dumb enough to ask him 20 questions of what happened that night and he answered them. I don't know why I asked, I didn't want to know. I can't get it out of my head. I can't. And he knows me too well. We were in the car and I could have just told him to leave and that would be it but I couldn't. I still had hope again. He came inside, he slept over. What am I doing? I don't know. I want him, but I know its too soon. I haven't healed yet. Being in his arms felt so good. Waking up next to him made me so happy. Hugging every inch of him put a smile on my face. It's all those little things that I can't let go of. We stayed in bed though and we talked and I cried-- it's disgusting how tears come out of me like nothing. Give me a minute and I could flood a room, I'm not even joking. He knows me too well though, I repeat that because its important. He knows that I pain myself with thinking of him. I reread things to remind me of him of how we use to be. I look at old pictures. I listen to the songs I use to listen to. But like I told him, I'm allowed to mope. I'm allowed to mope until I'm ready to face everything. I wish I was in his arms right now but my mind was taking over when I told him that he had to let me try to be alone. Yet right now, that seems like an area I'm ready to fail for him. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me again, tell me why I can't believe him and why I want too so badly.

Someday

People who are meant to be always find their way in the end.

Scratch

I woke up this morning and I felt the same. I had hope last night. There was a chance it could have worked, we could have fixed things but I was rushing it. I wanted to know that it wasn't true. That we could go back to before. But I called him right after I saw myself in the mirror and realized he can't fix this. He can't fix me. I told him that something came up and something did, I realized that he was right. I can't look at him the same way. He kissed me last night, and it felt nice, it felt comfortable, it felt familiar. I was finally home again after losing my way, I found it back and it led to him. But as real as I was in love with him in that moment, just to have the thought that I'm not the only one he's done that to just makes everything so insignificant. What we had was special and he chose to share a part of himself with someone else and as much as I'll still try and try and try to forget it, I would never let myself live with the idea that I could get hurt again and letting him in is what's going to do that. I just needed him to need me, but now, after seeing him yesterday, he needs me for the wrong reasons. He had to realize that he wanted me when I knew since day one that he was the one. I'd like to think he still is but that's just my problem. I can't see him tonight. I wouldn't enjoy it and I doubt he will with me being the killjoy. And he said that I could just go with my parents but as considerate as that is, it's just not right, I want him to enjoy the play. Me on the other hand, I'd like to believe that I'll be fine. I'd take being in bed over going out any day now. I'm use to it. Being in bed is starting to be my comfort zone. But I'll still be here, still trying to believe this is all just a really bad dream. And one day I'll wake up, just not today.