Compromise

There is usually if not always certain "things" that are lacking from a relationship. Things like passion or communication or sympathy or honesty or trust or even love sometimes. What I wonder is-- why not fix it rather than trying to compromise it? The most you can get from compromising is probably doing something that exploits both you and your "significant other" (well that is what they are to you right?) in ways that turn out into regret. Well because of the fact that you feel that you are missing something, you want to compromise and well look somewhere else for it. These certain issues touch-heart to me. They are things I wonder about and they are things that I don't want to have to worry about but do anyway. What I'm trying to figure out is why some people commit when they can't and they even know it. More or less, why not be man enough or at least true enough to say you can't commit? In all simplicity, in this case, honesty would really be the best policy. If you are in a relationship where you feel there is something lacking do something great, do something your other would commend you for, do something they would still love you for-- be truthful-- say it. Don't mess it up and then try to explain why you did so. What is so upsetting is that some people would rather hide their insecurities by, having already been loved, gone out to purposely ruin that love. I'm trying to understand the reason why someone would do it-- to purposely hurt someone; is it the need for excitement? Does that mean cheating has to be the way to feel that? Is there no other way? But then tell me, how are you defined? As a cheater? A liar? How about you try less respectable and less loved? Does that sound any better? Because it doesn't. It's one thing for someone else to find out and always remember you by that (and trust me when I say that because he or she will), but what about yourself and your own morals? Do you want to label yourself as a cheater? As a liar? Are you fine knowing that you had someone that cared about you and loved you and was constantly wondering about you and how you were that it's okay to just take that love for granted and mess it up so purposely and instinctively? I wish it weren't true but it is. So what hope is left for the little girl who still wants to forgive and love that person who is the only person in her life that can bend and break her the most? A person who can tear her apart and leave her there to mend for herself the pieces of whatever it is that's left of her and her chance to ever open her heart and let someone in again? Like I said before, be truthful and say it, and this time, I'll make it easier and I will: there is no chance for her.

Space

It's a bad comfort thing-- I know. So I thought I would keep my schedule busy and that would distract me from the emptiness that's inside. Yes I know, so don't remind me right now of how emotional I sound right now. My calendar is practically filled for at least one more month and I don't find that I enjoy any of it. Wednesday's are my longest days, which today I found out is not even a productive one. I think I just like confinement and in that space I only need two things to be content, me and music. And then at least it seems like everything is going to be okay even for only a split second. Maybe I'm just being choosy with who I want to relate with. Well someone once said that "being alone is the best part of my life" and I'd like to believe that's capable of achieving. Anyways, I guess it's important that I say that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm not lonely-- I have my family, my high school friends and my college friends; I guess I'm looking for more and not necessarily more in others but myself. I guess that's one key in life-- to realize that you're alone but it doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Anyways, this is getting repetitive. Well I found a band I like, their music is mellow and their lyrics are pretty introsepective, less bitter than most music I like; I guess there's some similarity there.

Practice

"When you're sitting there on your ass, someone else is out there training. And when you meet him, he will beat you." --- I found this and I really like this. Makes you wonder about the time you invest in something. That moment for me right now is math. So I missed a lecture because it's hard for me to make it to my mandatory ge discussion since I have only ten minutes to get from south campus to the hill. Well apparently it was an important lecture since I'm kind of lost with the practice midterm but I'm trying to get through it. Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do. Well my week was hectic, everything seemed to happen on Wednesday and the following weeks are going to be the reverse-- less exams, more studying. And there's dance practice plus the two ballet and opera performance that I have to watch later today. I can't wait to just forget about everything and relax. To actually take the time and reflect you know? I hope to see him Sunday, to just sleep in or something. Though I enjoy the day out of the week that I spend with him, nothing beats the Saturdays we use to have. Anyway, I have to get back to math-- he's my boyfriend right now, seeing as all my time is going to max, min, and related rate problems. Thank god for AP Calculus oh dear, and even having Mr. Fette last year.

Outlook

Ohmygosh.... it's like I could be even more organized with Microsoft Outlook! Why haven't I learned about this before? I love love love this thing! Okay.. more appointments and scheduling to do. So fun... I love this stuff; makes me so happy.

Reflection

Do you ever just take a good look at yourself these days? When time seems to fly by so fast and you lose sense of it. Do you ever just stop and take a look at the person you've become? Do you ever question if that's even the person you want to be? I had the opportunity to go out tonight, I've had it many nights. I chose to be righteous-- to myself. None of those things makes me happy and I've just come to realize that I would rather stay in with either a good read or some great music. Like always, I have my writing to go to too. I'm tired of all the lies and the fakeness, of what they are or who's doing it, I just want time to myself, alone and comfortable and peaceful and quiet. See I figure that what's worse than not forgetting the past is trying to rewrite it. I don't want to be a person who has to go out of her way to try to feel something if anything that's real anymore. I want it to come to me, I've waited and it hasn't. In any way, I took a good look not of the person I am right now but of the person I was, the one in the pictures that seem to have been taken what feels like years ago. When was I ever truly happy? Why was I ever happy and who was behind it? I could look at each picture and realize exactly what was going through my mind when each one was taken-- there was always something bothering me, there was always something I was thinking about or worried about, there was always something that kept me wondering. Well I looked at myself afterwards and realized that the distance that's growing inside of me and with the people I used to care about can't be helped. In light of it all, I might as well accept it and reflect on the one thing I do have and can possibly change-- myself.

Mistake

-Noun. An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc. So I'm guessing his mistake was based on all of those. (LOL) Sorry-- at least we can laugh about it, well at least I want to pretend I can. Anyway, I wasn't about to blog about him, but instead, me. So I say, there is no such thing as an honest mistake-- and I mean, when this involves an actual subject, like another person. Subconsciously or not, we're out for ourselves and if that means we "accidently" hurt others in the process, then that's what it is. People are greedy and careless and the faster you learn that, the better you are at not feeling hurt. In any way, I've decided that I haven't made mistakes to learn from-- at least not repeatedly. In the past, I must say I've made some "mistakes" that regretfully got me where I am right now, and that's here and reluctantly, I might as well make something out of this. Well now I plan on making some real "mistakes" worthwhile and seeing if I learn from it or not-- maybe then, I'll believe in him a little more and the things he says to take everything back, or hopefully enough, maybe understand what it feels like to be sorry. Then again, I feel like I'm too good a person. But good doesn't get you anywhere. Just take a good look at me.

Lie

I think a person can't not lie. I guess you could say white lies really do make a person feel better-- even if they don't know it. Anyhow, who are we to bring someone down? If a white lie will make a person genuinely happier or at least sufficient, then the more there are lies, then the merrier people will be. Who deserves the truth these days anyway. I didn't , so I'm guessing the people around me don't. Bad way to start off lent. Sorry.

Everything

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize, you're happy. I use to have those moments. And those moments were with him. The problem now is that I won't let myself be happy. I don't want to have to worry or think twice or have to doubt him. They say everything happens for a reason, but no one ever knows what the exact reason is-- why we lose our loved ones, why the truly good people come last. I wonder all the time, was it suppose to happen to me so I could never trust another person again? Or maybe whoever it is that's up there figured that it would make me a stronger person if I were to get over all the pain and hurt and feelings of betrayal in my life. Or maybe he thought I deserved it. Or maybe he thought I would easily get over this and learn to be happy again. It would have been easier if I gave the answer-- I'm not strong. And I don't care that I'm weak. I wish I had the ability to move on and look past all the bad things. But it's my life and it's my problems that I live with. I don't even care to take the time to go over those baby steps again of letting someone in. Just to get lead up to where? True love isn't real. I've stopped believing. And I'm done with being disappointed in him or being angry with him about it. More than ever, I'm more disappointed in myself. There are many things I let go, but this I can't. I just don't have the courage to. Now I get to be the insecure one. And if that means not letting anyone ever into my heart again, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason right? And you know what, I don't know what's worse either-- me trying to believe that I could trust him again, or him believing it.

Essay

I'm about to work on his English essay. I'm really not that good at English anymore though, can't manage to write something worth writing about. I guess I can't put my ideas together as much as I thought I could. It's hard to do a lot of things and I blame on my lack of ability. I've been shutting people out, friends have called me and I haven't picked up. Otherwise, I pick up only to say "let's hang out some time, I'll call you" just to get off the phone and honestly, never call them. There's a lot I have in my life and now I've noticed how much of it I don't need. I rearranged my little table. I'm looking forward to painting this room and just being able to mix things up a little. The light green is getting pretty bland, and the creative pink pillow that she gave me has got to go. Who knew I'd be looking back and thinking that if I could relive that first year I stepped in to that high school I would. Then again, I'd have a total set of other messed up problems. I wonder if it would have at least been better than what I'm going through right now. Guess we'll never know.

Reserve

I've been quiet for a week, like how I really used to be and I found out that I'm perfectly fine with it. I'm even better than fine, I'm great. I have barely spoken to anyone and if I did, it was definitely impersonal. I think it's actually better to keep shutting everyone out. It feels good to keep everything inside again,and anyway, at least this time there's not much behind the closed doors. Nothing is real, get the pun? And I think I like the whole being alone thing. It may be quiet but it is peaceful and I don't care who else I have to give the cold shoulder too, I'm sure they deserve it to begin with. That's something you figure out, people miss you for the wrong reasons, there's nothing genuine about it. I'm learning that detachment thing, I'm even a little scared it's actually going to stick this time.