I Choose...

I choose not to forgive him. Hey, if I were in his position, I'm sure he wouldn't forgive me, no exceptions. I think the next few days or weeks, depending on how much my silence will last, will be pretty interesting-- just like her. Aha. Okay, no kidding, but I guess we're in two different places. This is not going to work. Oh this blows, I wish I were home right now.

Cloudy

I'm gradually finding out the meaning to all of this, it's the story behind my wretchedness. I'm tragic and everything I do has to shed light to it. To be truthful, I'm not pushing him away as much as it seems like it. I'm still a wreck but I can get by without him noticing it by laughing at it and making jokes about it. At the same time, I'm disappointed with him though. I've been ready to hear him say that he's had enough and that he can't put up with me but that's the thing, he hasn't. When I confront him with it, he says that he can put up with me because of how much he cares. It's disappointing to hear because I have all that sense to turn things around and say to myself, where was that care before then? The times when I wasn't even trying to push him away? The time when he could so easily go behind my back and then, when he was standing right in front of me, to lie in front of my face, not just for days, or weeks, but months, half a year at that. He didn't even have the decency to show some guilt and I wish I could take a walk in his shoes to at least try and understand how it is he showed nothing and I mean nothing at all. I had no idea, not even that I didn't want to have a clue, but I had no instinct about it. This is the last good cry I can have before I get back to school and right now, the weather looks pretty cloudy enough for me. To go on, one thing that makes me sad is that he tells me that he talked to Ryan about it, and they came to the sad damn conclusion that oh, they like us more because of it. Yeah, he's right , isn't that so sad damn ironic? Well thanks for telling me that he likes me more for it because here's another point that sorry is sadly and damn so less ironic than his, I like him less. Then again, now that I think about it, I probably don't. I'm kind of just torn up inside because of it. He doesn't know how much this is changing me and the way I look at him. He's no longer mine, and apparently, he never was. That's the thing that I have to get use to, is to not care and not get jealous of every thing he does. He's not mine and what hold do I have over that? What could I possibly change about that if I couldn't even do it in three and a half years? I lost hope in ever having him love me back. That's pretty much where I am right now, I guess all I have left is to get use to it. Last thing, he use to say that I was a pretty strong and independent person and that I could easily forget him easily, but you know what, if I was so strong and independent, I'd have that strength not to be with him right now or at least look past his mistakes and his faults. So he should be jumping with joy that I'm pretty weak and I'm only holding on because that's the only thing I know how to do. "I'm taking your memories off the shelf, take a look at me, see what you want to see, take me home, you had a problem with the truth, take me home, because this happens everytime."

Benadryl

So I'm pretty much irritated, literally. It's not even funny. My left eye is itching like crazy. I have the worst cramp and this kind of abdominal, ovulating, menstruating pain is killing me. I also think I got an allergic reaction to something because my chin has these little bumps that isn't acne and on top of that they're itching too. So unfare! Oh and my boobs are huge and they are really really sore. See, not even big in the good way. It aches to move anything. I think I'm going to be bedridden for a day or so. But yeah I don't know what's causing all of this. Oh yeah, my internet connection sucks in my room so I have to probably try and repost this damn entry on the server like a million times before it actually gets through. Oh my gosh I need pampering or at least someone to just take care of me. Owe! My eye hurts to open and close and now I'm getting a headache. I need Benadryl or something. This doesn't even make sense though, I never, never, never get allergic reactions. No more meat from now on. Back to vegetarian, pescatarian, whatever. Ugh.

Rotten

Now don't I just love proving myself wrong? Well I guess things can get worse from worse. That's even grown to be a part of the way I think and I hate it so much. I have a mindset of giving up easily, of expecting the worst from everyone, and trying my best to get use to mistake and to hearing apology after apology. People don't surprise me anymore and, neither does he.We just finished talking and we had a long conversation about school and friends. I don't know if it bothers me or him more that at the end he brought up the fact that he can't do anything toward me acting and feeling indifferent. I feel like I've closed in on him ever since I found out and now he's just beginning to see that. It is so hard to be meaningful in anything I do or say anymore. I just, I just never thought that he could bring out the worst in me. I mean look at me, I am in tears right now just thinking that at one point because of his actions, I was going to go out of my way to try and hurt him back. And I hate that I would even think that. I hate that I would ever try and even think that I could do something to make anyone else try to feel what I felt. I could never. I hate him for that. For making me doubt myself and the respect I have for myself. I never would have if he never would have and he doesn't understand that that's exactly where I'm coming from. He has that hold over me to make me the happiest person and suddenly the most unhappiest and scornful person he can allow me to be. I think it comes down to forgiveness and as much as I've told him I have forgiven him in all sincerity that I have, I don't think I do and ever will. He was really the one person I could let myself love and there was never anything holding me back or at least nothing I knew of. But now, now what? This is me, having nothing but myself again-- and him, him just being someone I use to know. People don't change, just their words perhaps... and if you're lucky, how they say it to apologize. Don't beat me down on it, I'm allowed to be as cynical and sarcastic and careless about what I say. The thing is, if he were to read this and tell me as much as I already know he is that he's tired of me being this way or thinking like this, it's fine. I never told him to put up with me in the past and there is still no exception now. ------ I'm a good person and that's kind of a sad thing now that I think about it. I could be careless about what I say but I care deep down inside and I could hate only as much as I could love and I could only forgive as much as not forgiving would let me and though this entry might be the most confusing, read between the lines and maybe, just maybe you'll get a glimpse of what I feel each and every moment of each and every day. Maybe then, you could even hurt with me.

Notice

I guess I had to wait for everything in my life to reach that one zenith point in order for everything to actually go right. I guess it's true what they say, after reaching rock bottom, you can only go up-- things can only get better. Of course I know my feelings right now are everything but definite. It's a momentary feeling but I'll settle for it. I'm happy. I stopped looking for it and it came to me. Things are unexpected. The way some people make you feel is unexpected and when they do so, when they surprise you at that least expected time, what can you do but embrace it and feel something so simple as to find yourself happy. I'll sleep better tonight, put it that way.

Camus

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend, they shall never be broken. But I wonder, if there's no breaking, then there's no healing and if there's no healing, then there's no learning, then there's no struggle, but a struggle is a part of life, so, must all hearts be broken?" -- My heart can't bend.

Pretend

Put it this way, I'm going to pretend that out of all people "I don't know". I'll be doing this for as long as I can and from my past record, it could last for years-- trust me. Oh and one more thing, I just learned this today: when you've been taken for granted once, whatever you do, it will remain that way until you do something to truly end it.

Indifference

In your life, there are always the things you want to stay away from or at least try to. After a while you notice though that there's no getting around it. You have to come to terms with what your faced with and at times it won't be a pleasing experience, but you learn to live with it and you soon adapt to it. To all the times you want things to stay the same, you learn to adapt to the change that occurs in the people you use to be around and the new environment that you and they are now surrounded with. What I really want to say, in terms of emotions and feelings and relationships, is that a person can make you miss them. Depending on who that person is, that longing can turn into something you end up wanting and needing, something that becomes an essential part in your life. Yet when that longing isn't returned in the way you hoped for it to, a change can occur, a change in which you learn that indifference might just make you a stronger person. I don't want to say that that is exactly where I am right now, but the experiences I've been going through these past months have allowed me to better understand what it feels like to truly be alone. You can miss someone so much and I don't mean physically, but I mean the long talks of just you know, getting one another, of being on the same page, and clicking, and finishing one another's sentences, that nothing can amount to that kind of gratification after you've experienced it. But what you then have to learn to get use to is what happens when that changes, when there is no time for that anymore, when you lose that, and all you're left with are the ten second hi's and goodbye's and the occasional how was your day and what are you doing. Let's put it this way, I'm getting used to it and the more I do, the more I find it unnecessary to have a conversation any longer than that. You get used to having just the exception that you stop looking for anything beyond it-- you adapt to it, you become indifferent to it. And when you do try to have a conversation that is longer, you get something less than any expectation you could possibly have; you hear and speak words and sentences that are simply, meaningless. You talk for the sake of the conversation. I guess my expectations have lowered and the next thing I hope that doesn't change is how much I can miss a person. That is what I don't want to get use to but am definitely scared will happen. I'm scared that one of these days, I'm just going to stop missing him and I'm going to learn that not even I can change that. At least for the time being, it is a relief knowing that I do miss him and though and he may not know why, it doesn't matter, because I do. Then again, maybe him not needing to know why is the indifference kicking in.