Better

It's been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is what might have been, but what of the man who is faced with what was? Or what may never be? Or what can no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy, it's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us, but sometimes we find our way to something better. Sometimes we fight through the regret and remorse of our mistakes, our malice, and our jealousy, and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be. And that's when we find our way to something better, or, something better find its way to us.

What I Want

What I wanted, was not to be part of a sorority or to make new friends or to pile events and activities on top of my school work, but you know what, it happened. And why you ask? Why did I let it? Because. Because I needed something else beside him to fall back on. I'm serious. I've noticed that that's what I do, when I feel like he has another life beside the one he shares with me, I pull back and not do the same, but at some point, try to. The thing is, it's not like I'm doing anything that is negatively affecting my schoolwork or my personality-- especially the latter. I've been warned about how a person can change because of the people they're surrounded with and I'm assured that's not going to happen to me, if I even have to point it out to begin with. That actually isn't the real problem I want to get at. Guys are ignorant. Diego is, sadly and significantly, included in that saying. Mark my words. Okay so it seems to me that every guy is seriously after one thing. As if my past teachers and guy friends haven't told me enough. But, to realize that it's true disgusts the fck out me. Sorry for the French, but honestly. Wow. You think all you're doing one day is saying hi and giving a friendly smile and all of a sudden its "oh she likes me", "oh that's a sign" ,"oh she's going to lay me". Homie, please. This doesn't (just) go for me, I'm talking about every ... well every other girl out there. I mean seriously, you know I'm in, well, some sort of relationship and you still have the nerve to protest your nasty, guyish, rude comments? Hello!! And why is that, that all guys want is to lay you-- bluntly put. There is no more romance, there is no more courting, there is oh give or take, a few minutes of flirting and wam, bam! They want to get you in bed and not to mention, in your pants. This may not go for every girl (or guy-- cough cough, look at our history) but I on the other hand would like to say I have some kind of respect for myself. And seriously, you'll have to try harder than that-- actually don't try at all. To be honest, with or without Diego, I'm not having any of it. I don't want the flings, I don't want the rebound, I don't want the one night stand. What I want, with or without Diego, is to be in love, again. With everything that's happened, that's the one thing I want. To save myself for something meaningful. Because a fling, a rebound, and a one night stand doesn't mean anything except one thing, that you're weak. But to fall in love again? To fall in love again means you can pick up the pieces someone left of you and you can rebuild yourself and your heart into something of strength that has the ability to care and love someone as passionately as you have before. See, that's one thing Diego never understood before. Was that I didn't care so much about the physical things he did and can do with someone else. It's the fact that something beyond that was shared, and I was left there, six months without knowing anything. Without honesty, without guilt. I was there, left, to still be in love with him and act as humble and modest to that-- to someone who didn't care about love or about the person that had love for him. And he may have changed me for the better before, but now I really can't tell if I am better. I have a hate inside of me that is not by any means dying off. He was right when he said it would be there forever. The thing is, as much as I'd love to be in love, I don't have the faith in it. I don't have the trust or the honesty that I want. And was that so hard to give? Is it that impossible to love someone so much and receive that same love back?? I don't think I could love anyone as much as I still love him, but he doesn't understand the different kind of love I have for him now. I'm holding on to him because I believe in second chances, but him on the other hand-- people don't make mistakes, they make decisions-- I'm holding on to the person I want to believe he could be but isn't. He chose to do it. And the only benefit of the doubt I have for him is that I can't care for anyone else in that same way. I'm scared to let go because I love him, I just wonder though, what's it like for him. See, that's the thing, he never thinks about it nor does he want to. And again, here I am. Here I am blogging about the ways in which I wish I could understand his motivation. Was it the sex? Was it her? Was it the thrill? Or was it the lying that you could get away with? The deceit? Or maybe it was my heartbreak? Which one was it because I want to understand what it's like to not even feel guilt for something you know I could never do to you. Sadly, as much as that is true, I wish it weren't. I just don't have the heart to do that to anyone, especially the one I was grown to love. Sad ain't it.

Sorry

Define exploit. Define sorry. Let things finally go, and leave it at that. Lastly, realize that this is a "cycle" for needs, wants, desires, mistakes-- what have you. People are getting really easy these days, it's becoming sad.

Proposition

I am where I am because of the decisions I've made in the past. From them, I have tried to learn and from them, I will make more mistakes and will have experiences I know I will have to learn from. The thing is, I'm putting myself in that pivotal point of a dilemma where I can mess up or I can turn around and go home. You should know what the definition of home is by now too, well, if you listened. Great, now I am literally talking to my blog. Anyway, my problems have not been resolved. There are things I'm still wishing for and they haven't been rendering hope in me for the past days, as long as I can remember. Things are becoming clearer as days go on and that is: I never get what I want. But hey everyone else's does! And!! And I watch when it happens right in front of me! To put it easily, I'm about ready to forget everything and leave everything, not to mention everyone, at the same time. I feel exhausted of trying. I am exhausted. I just need to realize I am not going to win and really, I don't want to anymore. Take it all from me. Get it over with. I'm trying not to mind. I don't mind. Go ahead. Go for it. My independence really needs to start kicking in again. I miss me, the old me, and no one else. Ha.. there it is. Here I start. I wonder if I have faith in myself to pull this off. Well, this is where it's going to start. Damn this time of the year. P.S. I haven't been that great, I probably deserve this.

Unfair

"They say that many unjust men are happy and many just men wretched. That injustice is profitable if it escapes notice, That justice is another's good and one's own punishment." Random. I think that it must really suck to get used. Anyway, I don't like putting people in the position where they feel used either. So I don't get why this kind of problem arises from a whole "what goes around comes around" scenario. Sadly and ironically enough, I will admit to having used people and it never once made me feel any better. That's something you just have to put up with I guess. That people can be so cruel to you allowing you to feel the pain they lay onto you that no matter what you do to alleviate it, it just remains there in the end. I must say though, the power and pride some people have to feel guilt-free just seems so impossible to me. What is even sadder is that the truly genuine person has to even feel the slightest amount of guilt just because he or she wants that little piece of payback. It's crushing to see someone deteriorate because of it. It's unfair that people can get away with so many things and rise to the top while those who stay honest to themselves and to the people around them remain where they are, constantly stepped on, put down, and left behind for most of the part. When, in the light of things, will those who are honest and truthful and helpful get what they deserve? To put it easily, justice is my good and my own punishment. Try to make sense of it.

PROBLEM

I'm looking for a way to get involved and it's just becoming a problem now. I never thought that I would actually join a sorority but there are things from it I could gain. To be honest, I don't want to fall behind on the college experience. I've clung on to high school friends and him too. I mean everyone has met their friends already, new people and sometimes I feel like sometimes he doesn't want me to go and venture out for myself these different experiences because he's afraid I'm going to change or something. The thing is, no one can change me, not an organization or him. Well I still don't know if I should go tonight seeing as I could just pursue my schooling-- academically, but I don't want to regret missing out either. Everyone seems to be finding their place right now and this is one of the ways I can just prove to myself that I can do something strictly on my own. I'm tired. I don't know.