Defeated

It's pain, that's all that's left. Even after all this time you'd think it would be easier but it isn't. When you think that you could just sleep it away it's in your dreams. When you wake up, you want to fall back asleep with time there haunting you as it passes by in what feels like days instead of seconds. It doesn't get easier than this. When you think you're that close to being okay you're pulled back to reality and in those brief moments, hope disappears. After hours of trying to keep it in, all you have are tears. It's even gotten to the point where getting out of bed isn't necessary for me. I'm still in bed as I type this. I guess you could say, all I have done is laid in bed and thought. Even the past has crept up and haunted me with memories, snapshots of smiling, kissing, hugging, and looking happy if not being it. The panging headache left in my mind is feeling normal even. Waking up, tears dried, eyes swollen, a head as sore as what's left after a bad hangover. Ipod in sight, sympathetic love songs. Our past wrapped up in my head, a red gap bag, and an old vans shoebox. I wasn't in a hurry to say goodbye, but again, I guess I need to realize that he's not going to stop me. He never has, he's always left it up to me and I was there. Saturday mornings, lunchtime at school, the second floor in the morning, at his house during new year's eve. I went to watch Wicked, I went to him because I wanted to fight for us. It's just sad now, what I've become. Even now, I thought I'd run out of tears, but they trickle down and fall like nothing, this is endless and so are my thoughts. He knows how to break my heart and after awhile, you notice that he doesn't stop it from breaking even more. So take a look at me now.

A Billion

Love Message 730. I guess my words mean nothing. He'll never know I did it for us. I got my answer tonight. So this is what it really feels like.

To Note

"Hey it was real hard to say that to you yesterday but i think its the best. I am so weak with my stance that I was hoping to be surprised by you this morning. But I am glad you didnt come. I am glad because it is the first time that we part from each other for a reason that does not involve us being mad at each other, merely for a reason that asks for the better of us. I think this way we can accomplish a happier us. I am still here for you if you need anything and I still love you. Yesterday was bad and again it made me realize how we both need to mature in different ways." Let me note, my suppressed words hurt even more than his, in so many ways.

Considerate?

Considerate? Me? I know right, I am. It's not fake so that sucks for him, and that really sucks for me too. I want him to be happy and cheery and experience everything. It's college and I don't want things to be too serious between us. That was the problem I had before, I took too many things to the heart. Now that I don't, I don't have to worry. Everything is okay and well I just don't care so much. *Yawn* I guess it's that time, not of the month, but the year. Think about it.

Behind

So I've been thinking a lot. You'd be lost in my head if you knew what was going on. I feel like I have the need to talk to him and now there's just never a right time. To clarify at first, it has nothing to do with him being busy. I'm proud of him for going to work and for being a counselor this summer. He has a lot to do, a lot to put up with, and he still does, I admire that a lot. I just feel like we might be at two very different places in our lives and I feel like I don't exactly fit in his. So maybe, just maybe we need to have our space. It sounds a little off, seeing as we don't even see one another that much but to be honest, to be truthful, to be real, I don't trust him with me. It's summer again and just one year ago... well you know... I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about it. I guess I need my own confidence and with him, I can't honestly find that. I don't trust him, I'm insecure now, it's driving me up the wall. He's the one I want. He's the one I've missed. But now on some level I've just stopped completely. I just don't think it's the right time for us. Maybe as close as we've gotten, we've seemed to have drifted apart in some unparalleled ways. I guess it's gotten to me so much that I'm not even mad about anything he does or doesn't do anymore. The thing is, my problem is as I've said before, I don't have the strength to do it. I just wonder if he notices it too. I've gotten a little careless now, I don't even get mad that we don't talk and as considerate as I am now, that's just not who I am! Something must be wrong. Then again, I could be digging at something where nothing truly is wrong but I have a gut feeling and I need to go with it.

Forever

I don't trust him, it's a fact, and that's not going to change. The problem with me is, I'm willing to take the risk. He makes me happy, at least when we're not driving each other off the wall with unnecessary cynical jokes. Anyway, what can I say. It's worth a shot. Yay for second chances. Past his true colors and onto something more, maybe. He and I have to both prove one another wrong with a few things. PS 1?=7. 4/7? Check.

Bittersweet

Things have changed. This past year has changed my feelings in hundreds of ways and the past few weeks have been summing them all up. He made me realize some of the big differences he and I have. We're different. He seems to think that I like him less. That's not it. I think the fact that he and I just go to two seperate schools, as close as they are, just adds on to my frustration for us as a couple. According to him, the idea of us breaking up would have given us the time to mature independently. That it was a perfect time to benefit from it. That we weren't fighting so it was okay. Upset as I was, I realize the point he was making. There was truth to his words as much as I'm fighting not to believe it. He had more strength than I did and the thing is, I probably ruined that chance to really grow outside one another by being selfish and wanting him. I took that bus ride to him that morning because I wanted to fight for us. But he on the other hand fought for us in a different way and I'm thinking his was the better choice now. Over the past few days I've noticed that I've been the one thinking about our relationship,attentively and analytical more than ever. I don't like the feeling. I feel regret and I'm not sure why. I should have given him what he wanted for once. I'm sorry I didn't.