Considering

I'm considering a decision. It's not one I've thought about in a very very long time but it seems to have popped up again. Out of where? Not nowhere to say the least. It's definitely not a change I want but I feel I may just need. From views of the past, it's not a decision I've dealt with readily. That's why I'm second guessing it all. I'm not even sure if this is just a mood swing that will pass or this is something I actually have to deal with. It's eating me up inside right now. My thoughts seem to scatter, my will is a bit more weak, and I'm not sure how the words would even begin to come out. Life is too short right? So what perspective should I take that in? I can either hide it all up and just live and be happy for the time being or I can put myself in retrospect and do something different and uncalled for and just try to for once. I know the topic seems vague but even I can't put the words in writing just yet. Sadly enough, I don't see a light at either end of this tunnel. One way is just with him and one is without.

Prenupt

Because you can't trust another person with your heart or your assets. So usually the word "prenupt" is taboo when it comes to marriages. People look down upon it as it shows a lack of trust in a relationship. Yet, I think it's just a way of being smart. So what thought brings this out? Well to put it out first, I am by far not making a cynical approach to the traditional marriage. What I am doing although is advising an ensurance of financial well-being. There are loopholes to marriages and so I think it would be at best for both parties to make sure they are at least exempt from those in the paperwork. Researching on it, it keeps coming up that only 1% of all married couples within the United States has a Prenuptual Agreement. So I'm guessing that the leftover 99% of couples are happy in their marriages? Highly doubted. As posted on the Divorce Rate webpage in America, 41% of first marriages end in divorce. So love isn't blind in this respect-- people are. Even with couples that aren't married but plan on living with one another, I suggest the cohabitation agreement. To put it plainly it's basically a prenupt without the ring and ceremony involved. Back to the prenup, the advantages of having one ranges. Firstly, you avoid the legal costs and unnecessary attorney fees if you ever have to find yourself in divorce court. The second advantage? If you plan on having kids (which, mind you, is another entry to blog about) then you don't have to worry about them receiving distribution of the inheritance or wealth of the former family-- in the case of divorce or death. The third advantage, if you have family assets such as businesses, property, etc. at stake, your partner can't use marital claim to withold them. I'll skip the known fourth advantage as it deals with businesses, stock, and shares. The fifth advantage are creditor debts. Under a prenupt you are waived of your partner's credit debts-- previous to marriage-- protecting your own specified amounts of money. The sixth, last but not least, is the division of allocated marital property. In this way, you don't have to fight over property later on in the divorce, if it sadly ends to that. The disadvantage? "It's unromantic." And yes, that's the only reason I could find on the internet. To end on this, think about the pros and cons and well, just be smart enough to weigh out the differences accurately. Love is a nice idea but the rates, facts, and reality of it all? It's just not always a fairy tale happy ending.

Number Six

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I did a little research and found some readings. It seems that society notices the idea of cheating as something men do. When you have a girlfriend that gets cheated on the situation is intense, emotional, dramatic. But what happens when the man gets cheated on? Men have the capacity to take away your heart and then, apparently, your own fifteen minutes of fame. Now of course it isn't the publicity you would want. But why is this? That it's talk only about why men cheat. Women look for these reasons of why thieir boyfriends and husbands cheat all over the internet and overlook their own other half. Women do just the same acts of infidelity-- maybe even worse. So what happens when women cheat? Rather, why? And why isn't it getting the same acclaim as when men do it. Well as been noted by one source I've stumbled on, "Women tend to keep things to themselves, but there are signs that they're catching up with the guys." Approximately 9,400 women were polled and asked if they ever cheated on their husband. 49% said they had. What hope does this give us to the women who aren't even married yet? This really does say a lot about the relationships people show to have within the present day. So although there is absolutely no justification for cheating in a relationship, as I see it prone, here are the closest six reasons I've read about on why women cheat. #1: Familiarity has bred indifference. Women feel, after a certain point, that they are taken for granted. Intimate feelings, thoughts, ideals, goals are left outside the door that were once the only things you could talk about and share and petty conversations take it's substitute. #2: Parallel lives. After days, months, and even years of being side by side you both diverge. His priorities include less of you, he has school or work or other friends. Thus, the seperation gap increases and next thing you know you have more in common with the guy in the movie theatre watching Sex and the City for the third time. #3: The passion has fizzled. Women have the dream guy they want, the best friend they need in him, and to top it off the loss of excitement in it all. In part, I guess this can be explained as the woman taking the man for granted instead of vice versa. So instead of buying a new pair of monolo's or reaching for that designer bag she instead bags the guy over the counter. She wants something new, something thrilling. Something she can get away with. #4: The fantasy has fizzled. Romance fades and the prince you thought you were kissing ended up being the frog. His habits get under your skin and your tolerence for it isn't as high as it use to be. #5: Your ego needs a boost. You need to know that you still "got it goin' on" even with a perfect, wonderful, loving guy at your side. (I call these the sluts of the ballpark). Last but not least, #6: It's payback time. This is where the quote in the beginning of my entry plays a pretty big part. Hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned. And do I love the following analogy-- And when a woman catches her man in someone else's cookie jar, she figures she's got a right to a little indulgance of her own. So are these all valid justifications in our day and age to cheat? I guess it really is up to the cheated and the cheater in the end.

Compartmentalizing

Stay tuned for this one.

Opposite

I have to say, he and I are living specimens of the cliche "opposites attract". Oh and do they. On some level, which I have to say is probably the result of several years being around one another, we have grown to prioritize the same things and give the same perspectives on other people, ideas, et cetera. I have to admit though, sometimes he and I just agree with one another so there isn't much to dispute, it's easier that way when we only get to see one another a couple hours out of the weekend. Note that I say weekend because we only see each other then. So what does it mean to be compatible? This is the question that ponders me amongst other women. Well I've gone about to realize that the things we haven't agreed on we will most likely never agree on, ever. He pushes, I pull. He wakes up early, I wake up late. Of course, the former is an analogy and the latter, a minute difference, if not anything else. So intervening is another matter-- when we actually collide with thoughts; which we have in the past and many times do I remember that happening. He's a democrat for instance who is at least a supporter of Obama and though my own social class, not that I've officially established one but nonetheless, is of itself a democrat but it doesn't make me one bit a steadfast voter for the Obama-Biden ticket. Education-wise he and I are on different lines and maybe probably different paragraphs but, we're on the same page at the least. We are no beauty and the beast couple though, so it's not the attractiveness that's a matter. His goals however I can note are quite different than my own. He wants to make money right after college. I on the otherhand want to learn as much as I can. I want to go to school and continue going to school and not just for getting a degree in Genetics. I want other things, I want to be well rounded in my goals. I know he sees the bigger picture for me though-- this is where the pushing comes in. He wants me to be a doctor. Typical right? Well it's not my dream anymore. And I've grown to notice that when others try to pave a way for you in your life they take away a part of your dream which makes it all the more less significant for yourself if not totally. But I've put myself among different environments lately and I'm beginning to see the details, not just the big picture. There's a lot out there that I want to know, learn about, and be a part of. So there's one difference. At least I'm not liberal nor do I plan on working for free (at least not in the near future). So where did this mumbo jumbo come from? He asked me if he should buy a MAC. Again, I'd like to reiterate how I don't like making big deals or overthinking the small things. BUT, I do like writing and an entry that can tie in some explanation for a relationship is worth trying to write about. By the way, my answer? I told him to get one. P.S. I am a dedicated PC user. I guess compatability has a lot to do with support then. That is yet another thing to note; that sometimes we may not agree with our significant other but unconcsciously, we do look for someone to complement us, even in the slightest ways. Relationships are apparently about getting our own needs met. To end this, what makes us fall in love, excluding the other cliche of "love at first sight"? As I've read it, here's one reason if not the reason: "People who have studied attachment pretty much have learned that if two people are physically proximate and neither does bad things to the other, they can fall in love. They just have to be around each other enough". Four years going on five must have been the deal breaker for me.

Difficult

It's not fair. It isn't. I had to want it and I didn't get it. I need to find relief. Karma perhaps? I doubt it. The world can be a cruel cruel place sometimes.

For What?

So what do you do when you've anticipated it all? When you were excited to have school and work and meaningful activities fulfill each corner of your life? When you were happy that everything around you was finally falling in to place? When you actually scheduled your life for your life and nothing else. I had a Monday, to start off my week to say the least, blundered with what could have turned out to be a good day or a bad one. I admit that sometimes I look for signs around me but when you go back home at the end, things just don't always make sense. I was excited for being a counselor back at my old high school but because of things I can't control it seems farther from my reach now. It shows that there is one thing that makes the world go around and it isn't love, it's money. You'd think that as a student all you're supposed to do is study but some of us want more than sitting in a dorm room or a library reading endlessly. There are some who want more to fill their lives. When cliches are mentioned of having the rest of your life to work you realize that some people really don't understand the need and want of it all. I received my financial aid quote today and well what's a quote for when you have a total tuition to pay under family contribution? It really is just a mockery when you yourself know how much your family needs help in paying that one bill amongst others. I don't even want to complain about the economy but is this all really fair? You have students working at younger ages to try and provide themselves with their own feelings of responsibility, duty, empowerment. They work now not only because they need to now but want to. They want to help their families. They want to help their community. They want to help pay for their school and the tuition and the books they need and the supplies. They want to try and make a dent in the bills they know their parents receive weekly if not daily. Yet what happens when not even those in need of work don't get it? We all get shot down sometimes in our life but when there's no one there to even bother to help you, how are we expected to get up? What then? I wanted to help someone, to be helpful, and meaningful, to help change a student's life, I wanted to sit down with them and talk to them about what they could do to achieve more in life and in school. But now, my chances of that aren't even chances anymore. They're decisions made by the state and the money it doesn't have. I wanted to help a student get in to college, to be remembered as someone who helped them. I wanted to make an impact and what could I possibly tell them now? That when you think about college and the great possibilities it has to offer you really do set yourself up for disappointments and rejections or even the thought that I have running through my mind right now of why, why did I even try? I had something I could have held on forever-- I had a chance to make a difference. Now in what was only one simple phone call I had that dream taken away from me.

Rain

It took quite some time but it finally rained today. After a summer's months of drought and dryness it finally felt like Fall.I woke up early to the unusual cloudiness and the coldness outside my window. I got up to run errands, one actually: to get his videos. I took a pretty good look outside the window before I left though. This cold Saturday morning reminded me so much of the ones I used to enjoy a long long time ago. I never had that feeling for some time but I was reminiscent of it today. Raining outside and tucked behind his bed sheets, sleeping-in after an hour's worth bus ride to his house. I remembered today how I miss the time we spent together like that. Not worrying or fighting, it made me a little happier to even think about it. Well my writing brings me to the things I noticed from today and not the past. I've come a long way and I have him to thank. A part of him and I fell apart when things got pretty bad last year, when I found out. A part of myself died that day I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was. I couldn't stop to care but I pushed myself to be alone-- to try and learn to. Quoting myself, "All I ever did was love him". From that day on I've pushed and pulled to be something different than that person I had grown to be. As much as the image of him changed before me that day, I didn't come to realize until recently how much of a different person I myself had become. I let a lot of anger and jealousy and disappointment consume me for the worse. And how did things turn out? I toppled myself with guilt and burden and blame. Today though, and recently, things have changed and for the better. I noticed after he left today all the things I do now for myself and I'm happy that I can do something and be proud of it and then I have him to share it with. Cases in the past, for the most part, I did things with him already-- there was nothing to share that wasn't already there and shared. But now, I have so much by myself and on my own. It's now that I understand that one saying, that you love a person because you want to and not because you need to. He's a great part of me, and my life, but he's just not everything. I know that may sound just a bit awful but it isn't. What it is is a really good thing. It means I've moved on from the past and I only have the future to look forward to. I'm more than content now, I'm happy, I'm enjoying myself, my life, my school, my college life, my new work, my friends, my family, my car, my weight, my room, my new love for all of this, my everything. I come first, but I will never forget that he helped teach me that. To him, thank you.