Hail

I dreamt of Mexico last night. Why? I don't know. I was in Mexico and then there was hail. I was trying to get away from something and then there was just hail. I ducked. So I woke up and went to dreamdictionary.com to look it up. I quote, "Hail. To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm, suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn." You think? Oh and it goes on.. "Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally." No I wonder I can't even get the tears to come out or the words to choke up. Emotionally shut down, that's the perfect phrase when you think about it. There isn't much emotion left in me but to be okay, to be sufficient enough to meet suffice. It's not happiness, it's definitely not love, it's not anything for that matter. I feel empty and it's because I let myself get to the point that it's okay to be in a relationship that really isn't defined as one. It's a one sided -ship that I have chosen to ride, and to ride alone. And why? Because. Because I chose to keep the comfort and the familiarity that I've known for years. So that I wouldn't have to give it up. So that I could keep it on the side as long as he was keeping it on the side. It was never a priority so why should I make it one then? And that's what I did, I let it slip because he let it slip. This was never me, and I turned into something I never wanted to become. I turned into something I was running away from. It was fear and now the hail has come and I am to quote, "shut down". Perfect words for a non perfect relationship.