Past Tense

"He's not close to being anything to me and this is what's going to tear us apart. And if he's not going to do anything to keep me close to him, I'll be the one to tear this apart, at least faster anyway." -September 30, 2006.

30 Minutes

I need 30 minutes right now to get myself together. This is suffocating me. 30 minutes. Replaced.

Moving

Moving along. Moving on. I don't want to, but I have to. And I understand it's only the best and I'll be okay because he's okay. So this is me, writing not about the problems I have being in a relationship anymore. Instead, this is me being set aside from it, single, searching, waiting for love and a relationship and stability and security and hope in that one person that will be there for me, that one person my heart will be enough for.

Falling

They use to stop. The tears. I use to hold them in for longer. At the end of the day, they are all waiting for me to burst, just so they can. I don't know what it is I'm missing, I want everything to be fine, to be okay. If anything was unfair in my life, I wouldn't say school or family or friends, just love. I'm empty right now, I can't tell if I have too many emotions or if I have none at all. I can't tell if there's a heart in me that's aching or if there's nothing there but a hole in my chest. Sometimes it feels numb and other times it feels like someone's stepping on it. Unimaginably, it does hurt and I don't care who believes that or not because I feel it, that something inside me telling me something's just not right. And the tears, they run because they have nowhere else to go and I'm not sure where they come from to begin with. It's all mixed, no true path, jumbled and endless. It starts with my nerves and memories and senses and I get lost and then I remember and then I miss and then I lose myself. Next thing you know, there's a burn that I notice starts trailing across my face in a single direction that splits into hundreds. My eyes can't do anything but feel it and see it. It feels the clump of emotion that it wants to release and it sees unclear, fogged with this unusual sense of water and salt and heat-- tears. Tears, they ache. It all aches. I know for a fact that I'm not happy, I'm so very unhappy if anything. But I miss everything and I have no clue what that is or use to be. One thing is for certain, as it always had been, I'm alone at the end of the day with one thing beside me, my tears.

Granted

And so, I am reassessing the relationship I once had. Conclusively, I took him for granted. This is generally in my perspective and I'm not going to touch on whether or not he felt the same way, about me. It's a different issue and an entire entry in itself. These past couple of weeks have been dreaded. I get glimpses of hope that build up only to be shattered each time I think about him and then when I do actually see him. --- edit later, sleep deprivation is making my brain function worse.