Hail

I dreamt of Mexico last night. Why? I don't know. I was in Mexico and then there was hail. I was trying to get away from something and then there was just hail. I ducked. So I woke up and went to dreamdictionary.com to look it up. I quote, "Hail. To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm, suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn." You think? Oh and it goes on.. "Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally." No I wonder I can't even get the tears to come out or the words to choke up. Emotionally shut down, that's the perfect phrase when you think about it. There isn't much emotion left in me but to be okay, to be sufficient enough to meet suffice. It's not happiness, it's definitely not love, it's not anything for that matter. I feel empty and it's because I let myself get to the point that it's okay to be in a relationship that really isn't defined as one. It's a one sided -ship that I have chosen to ride, and to ride alone. And why? Because. Because I chose to keep the comfort and the familiarity that I've known for years. So that I wouldn't have to give it up. So that I could keep it on the side as long as he was keeping it on the side. It was never a priority so why should I make it one then? And that's what I did, I let it slip because he let it slip. This was never me, and I turned into something I never wanted to become. I turned into something I was running away from. It was fear and now the hail has come and I am to quote, "shut down". Perfect words for a non perfect relationship.

Essay

10 pages, one topic. No writing skills necessary. Really. I feel like the creativity that I love about writing dissipates for my class. Oh and by the way, it's an English class. So why is this? They don't want fancy introductions or tall-tell tales of dragging on. "Get straight to the point" they say, no need for dillydally. So what's the point then? How many words are there in the Oxford English Dictionary? And how many languages are there to interpret a text or piece? Why does everything have to plain, banal? Those questions befall me when it comes to class and essays. They expect long essays of concrete context that is dense with material when the actual text or the meaning of the text they ask you to use is at about one page in length. This does not help. Classes don't help sometimes either. As a turnout, I'm falling behind in creativity. My own writing standards seemed to have vanished since the years of high school. English class, Mr. Russell-- now that was a class where I learned to write. I learned words too so look at that university level college crap. Nonetheless, I finished my 10 page paper that's due a week from today. Oh, and I'm so happy it's over with. Never again, I'm telling you.

Writing

"I think you make him happy." His best friend, my yearbook, years ago.

Payback

I was thinking of that word and I got chills, literally. And maybe because I'm listening to Placebo's new album. Payback is here. Take a look, it's all around you. Find a friend in whom you can confide. Anyway, my teeth hurt. Went to the ortho today and he pulled my wires back. Do you know how awful that feels? Hence, I can not even eat bread. So this is a tangent from payback but I was just thinking about the word. I'm almost done with school, I finished one final, 3 more to go. Study time.