Hate

There is one feeling in me for him, it's not necessarily hate but it feels very close it. I now see that when you are handed with great pain, you know the feeling of great happiness. In retrospect, knowing great happiness allows you to know what great pain was. I'm very thankful for the person that has come in my life. He treats me well, he treats me right. And beside that, I'm just happy being around him. If I were to cry it would probably be because I'm overwhelmed with love. Back to the point that I wanted to write about however, hate. When you're neglected for years, when you're taken for granted for years on end, and when you've been seen as a "back-up" and lost the sight of love and even friendship, a feeling I didn't know i could carry built up inside me. He is lucky I have any feeling toward him; its the last passion he left imprinted on me. I hate the person I became with him. I despised myself and looked at myself as the cause of the reason he did not love me. That I changed and I wasn't the person he first fell in love with. That --now I see-- was definitely not the problem. Our relationship was. In my eyes now, he is the problem. I knew what I wanted, I knew I couldn't have it, but I waited. He on the other hand, had no clue whatsoever what he wanted and juggled around girls and love like play toys. I hope that the relationships he builds now are on trust and real love, I hope that there is someone out there that can fix him or change him or make him better. It wasn't me, and to be honest, I'm glad it wasn't me. After all those years, I'm thankful it wasn't me.