Your Hand in Mine

I had this idea in my head of what love was. I thought I knew the ins and outs of being in love. And now I find myself in a room wrapped around my thoughts and experiences, wondering if the feelings I feel now are reliable... I question how real they are. That's the thing about these things, you can never be sure. No matter what you promise and how many times you do, you can never be sure. One day you may wake up and feel different about the person you loved, or thought you loved. And then what? You move on? You begin to say things like "well at least now I know" or "now I can compare" or "at least I got to experience that." And what about the other person. Do you tell him or her? How do you even get from loving to someone to not? See here's the thing, there was a young boy who came into my life. We met when we were fifteen. He knew more than I did, and he taught me many things. He taught me anger, passion, jealousy, love. I would like to admit that I gave him my all. I am not ashamed and I do not regret the time I spent with him, when I was able to. He was the person I thought I wanted to be with. And then there came a point where love wasn't enough. When jealousy and lust and betrayal were stronger. It was a time, when two people who had spent six years knowing each other and being a big part of one another's lives, had finally ended. See, I know I can say he left me. But I chose to leave him. But, I can not say now that that was not love. At the time I believed it was, and that is how I want to remember it. I loved him dearly. And I do not regret any of it. He showed me that change happens. That when one person feels differently or when one person changes, it is alone. It is an unshared feeling that can only be accepted. For two years I didn't accept it. I didn't accept the fact that what I had once put hard work in and believed in was over. I didn't believe that love could do that to me. I wondered what the plan was, what was meant to happen to me. And then something happened. It was unexpected. It felt new. It felt refreshing. It felt like a beginning. See, while I encountered those four years. I didn't realize that so did many others, and one specifically. Here arises the person that is in my life at the moment. I knew him in high school and I knew of his relationship. We shared mutual friends. And then a trip happened. Vegas happened. And I felt his presence the whole time. I wanted to be around him. I had this urge to make eye contact with him. To walk around him. To talk on the phone with someone else when I was around him. I wanted him to notice me. So what did I do? I took him to get a drink. Liquid courage. I had him take a shot and then I shooshed him and I kissed him. And then I took him by the hand and I sat down on top of a lounge/couch. I scooted him toward me, wrapped my legs around his back. And I kissed him some more. And then I blacked out. Now that I think about it, it's pretty symbolic. I wanted him though, just him. But then that was it, at least that's what I thought. The next morning, no awkwardness at all. That's sarcasm. Well I didn't want there to be any at least. Then Yardhouse happened. Slight awkwardness. Then Newport happened. And here was this charming, sweet, hot looking guy who actually wanted to dance with me and then hold my hand after. We went to the water. And it was an excuse to get in the shower and kiss. He was passionate. And we talked, we talked about our past. We talked about what we were doing. And he wouldn't let go of me when we woke up in the morning. And then we decided to exclusively date. I decided that. And then the next day happened. I was in Newport, we were in his bathroom and here is this guy holding my face and telling me he will take care of me. And that he is ready to be my boyfriend if I am willing to be his girlfriend. I say yes. I was going to talk about how I'm not sure where this relationship is going, but I anticipate even more happiness. I get scared because I don't know how long his feelings will last for me. I can go on forever, from what I know, others can't. I'll continue my story later.