s t a r r _ t h i s

Muse

2012-01-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

So, it is apparent that I have not posted anything in the past months. And for what I have written in the past year or two, has not been a read that is worthwhile. I have figured out why. Actually, I knew ever since I stopped picking up my physical diary to write in pen. It's a sad and depressing well, truth. However much I do not want to say this, here you go: my passion to write lies with depression and problems and dramatic circumstances. What my writing does not care for nor stem from is obviously, the exact opposite: happiness, or anything near it. It isn't fair, so say the least. It isn't fair for my new memories and feelings and thoughts. My heart is either worth the breaking .. or well, I haven't figured out anything but that. I have six years to prove it and 2 years that haven't shaken my thoughts about love yet.

The Problem

2011-07-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

On a quiet Sunday afternoon, spent waking up at 11am, enjoying a Krispy Kreme doughnut, watching "Elevator Girl" on the Hallmark channel, napping for another three hours, grabbing a cup of chai, doing some minimal maintenance shopping with a best friend (ie dry shampoo and heat protector), and trading off between episodes of Sex and the City and studying for an hour and a half midterm tomorrow, I started thinking about one word. Problem. Then I got to thinking about my relationship. Ten months give or take a couple days, and we are still listlessly happy. Or, at least, I believe we are. We don't have any problems it seems. Nothing relevant enough to fight over. Then I got to thinking about another word. Compromise. I feel like I haven't had to make any and he hasn't had to make any,-- well, at least with an exclusion of time of course. So it begs me to ask the question, do some of us make problems that really don't need to exist? Is it a necessity to fight and argue? I get that having problems is part of a relationship, so then what does that make of mine? Maybe I'm looking into this so much because it just is more simple than expected. Why is it that it seems so abnormal to actually be in a good relationship? In these times, are we so immune to it that we fall sick and accustomed to being in pain and hurt?

Deserving

2011-05-04T00:11:00.000-07:00

What I meant to say was, undeserving. Let's backtrack so I can explain. I woke up today, late more than usual. Two minutes late to class. And to add on to that, there was the hot burning sun to greet me. And then, somewhere in between class and home, it was like a stream of consciousness that came over me. It nudged me to remember. And what emotion was that? Depression. It's an aching feeling that likes to emerge some days more than others. But there it was. It made me think, rethink, and over-think... everything. It makes me hate the past I had to go through just to get where I am. I mentioned today, to him, that if I could relive my past, I would change everything. I meant it. Even if I wouldn't have ended up where I am right now. Because I honestly don't believe that the ends justify the means. No matter how happy I am now, I don't think I needed to go through all the pain that I was dealt with. On another note, there's a side of me that is so unlike the person I want to be. It's filled with jealousy and insecurity and hopelessness. He called. Write in here in a bit.

Scared

2011-04-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not scared that we're going to be with each other. I'm not psyched out or freaked out or spooked that he wants me "to be the mother of [his] children." I'm not scared because I want those exact things. I want to be with him, to have a family with him. I want all of it, as long as its with him. What scares me the most is that those things may not happen. I get upset or I hesitate to be happy to hear those things from him because I'm scared that one day he might wake up and not feel the same way anymore. That one day he changes his mind and I'm going to be that same girl who had her hopes and dreams and love and heart put into the dreams and ideals that come with being or thinking you're in love. I'm scared that one day I'm going to still want the things he promised me while he doesn't. I'm scared of losing him and our dream to be together.

Kids

2011-04-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah we talked babies. With each other. Like in the future.

But Then..

2011-03-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

Him: I fell asleep for an hour and a half. There's no way I'm going to run now. Imma sleep 'til 9 Me: I'll call you at 9 Him: Ok, I love you baby Me: I love you too

Insecurity

2011-03-16T04:28:00.000-07:00

I've realized what my insecurity is. It's the past haunting the future. That's what makes me shutter. Knowing what was back then, in some ways and which I know it shouldn't, still makes me reevaluate the present. It makes me scared of the future. Even though you do your best, moving forward, who knows when the past comes back for you. And then what? -- And, if you haven't figured it out already, it's not my past I'm scared about, it's his.

Sometimes

2011-03-06T02:09:00.002-08:00

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you look eyes with them, you know that every moment that you are with them, they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart. Everything happens for a reason! Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from.... In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.

Sometimes

2011-03-06T02:09:00.001-08:00

Always

2011-02-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

There is always potential in being broken in new ways, and I find no beauty in that. -Me

Up

2011-02-23T06:04:00.001-08:00

There is no difference. Each person lies, cheats, and for what? To go where and reach what goal? Do you feel successful for cheating and lying? Do you even care that you throw your morals out the window? So I'm getting at the fact that I find no point in trusting anyone. It's hard. Everyone lies, I know I do. If I can't expect someone to believe me, why I should I expect it from them. Right? Right. There's this guy in my life, and he's sweet, and I've unconditionally fallen in love with him. And I mean in love. And yet, I'm scared. And I can't help but be scared because now, after all the experience I've had and all the lessons I had to learn the hard way, if I get hurt... if I let myself take the risk of getting hurt again, it will only hurt worse. I came across a quote a while ago and the girl states something along the lines of "i've had my heart broken before -- so this isn't pain i'm feeling, it's nostalgia." I figure that's the most apathetic line you could lie to yourself with. It's the one I plan on feeling. Yet, I realized, that's not what I want if it comes to that. I want to feel. Because, he right now, makes me happy. He's not a person I could hate, I hope. I'm scribbling. I really should continue my essay. I'm scared with that too. Go figure, ha.

Miracle.

2011-02-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

I'm happy he found me. I want to be with him, for ever. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

Quiet

2011-01-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

You don't want me to be quiet with you, silence says a lot, especially from me. It's how I cut people out of my lives. I'm sure you know of one good example.

Your Hand in Mine

2011-01-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

I had this idea in my head of what love was. I thought I knew the ins and outs of being in love. And now I find myself in a room wrapped around my thoughts and experiences, wondering if the feelings I feel now are reliable... I question how real they are. That's the thing about these things, you can never be sure. No matter what you promise and how many times you do, you can never be sure. One day you may wake up and feel different about the person you loved, or thought you loved. And then what? You move on? You begin to say things like "well at least now I know" or "now I can compare" or "at least I got to experience that." And what about the other person. Do you tell him or her? How do you even get from loving to someone to not? See here's the thing, there was a young boy who came into my life. We met when we were fifteen. He knew more than I did, and he taught me many things. He taught me anger, passion, jealousy, love. I would like to admit that I gave him my all. I am not ashamed and I do not regret the time I spent with him, when I was able to. He was the person I thought I wanted to be with. And then there came a point where love wasn't enough. When jealousy and lust and betrayal were stronger. It was a time, when two people who had spent six years knowing each other and being a big part of one another's lives, had finally ended. See, I know I can say he left me. But I chose to leave him. But, I can not say now that that was not love. At the time I believed it was, and that is how I want to remember it. I loved him dearly. And I do not regret any of it. He showed me that change happens. That when one person feels differently or when one person changes, it is alone. It is an unshared feeling that can only be accepted. For two years I didn't accept it. I didn't accept the fact that what I had once put hard work in and believed in was over. I didn't believe that love could do that to me. I wondered what the plan was, what was meant to happen to me. And then something happened. It was unexpected. It felt new. It felt refreshing. It felt like a beginning. See, while I encountered those four years. I didn't realize that so did many others, and one specifically. Here arises the person that is in my life at the moment. I knew him in high school and I knew of his relationship. We shared mutual friends. And then a trip happened. Vegas happened. And I felt his presence the whole time. I wanted to be around him. I had this urge to make eye contact with him. To walk around him. To talk on the phone with someone else when I was around him. I wanted him to notice me. So what did I do? I took him to get a drink. Liquid courage. I had him take a shot and then I shooshed him and I kissed him. And then I took him by the hand and I sat down on top of a lounge/couch. I scooted him toward me, wrapped my legs around his back. And I kissed him some more. And then I blacked out. Now that I think about it, it's pretty symbolic. I wanted him though, just him. But then that was it, at least that's what I thought. The next morning, no awkwardness at all. That's sarcasm. Well I didn't want there to be any at least. Then Yardhouse happened. Slight awkwardness. Then Newport happened. And here was this charming, sweet, hot looking guy who actually wanted to dance with me and then hold my hand after. We went to the water. And it was an excuse to get in the shower and kiss. He was passionate. And we talked, we talked about our past. We talked about what we were doing. And he wouldn't let go of me when we woke up in the morning. And then we decided to exclusively date. I decided that. And then the next day happened. I was in Newport, we were in his bathroom and here is this guy holding my face and telling me he will take care of me. And that he is ready to be my boyfriend if I am willing to be his girlfriend. I say yes. I was going to talk about how I'm not sure where this relationship is going, but I anticipate even more happiness. I get scared because I don't know how long his feelings will last for me. I can go on forever, from what I know, others can't. I'll continue my story later.

New Year 2011

2010-12-30T02:23:00.000-08:00

Ryan, I have to say, I have procrastinated in writing this card. But then I sat down, and I realized its pretty simple actually, you my dear, have the power to leave me speechless (see, you have powers too =]). But in all honesty, all of this, you.. me.. each moment that I've spent with you.. it's been so unexpected that I'm just in awe. You never cease to leave me in amazement and wonder and.. well, happiness. The thing is, I've never been this happy. This constant feeling of happiness and love.. these past three months have opened my eyes to love and to you and to getting to know how amazing you are. This year didn't start out as I planned and isn't going to end as I probably would have expected. And I think that's the wonder of it all, that the best things in life really are unexpected. I have you to thank for all of this. You have opened my eyes and made me believe in something I thought I would never let myself believe in. It's been the reason I have kept myself from believing in words like always and forever... it's the reason I get scared. Because I'm scared of the risk of losing myself in one person and then having the risk of getting my heart broken. But then I see you, and I forget it all. When I'm around you I feel like I'm home, I feel warm, I feel safe in your arms... I feel happy. And I really want you to know that though I doubt the future because of its uncertainty... because we both have no idea if we're gonna be together in the end, one thing is for sure, I'll do everything I can to make it happen. I love you... remember this. And I can't wait to start this new year with you. Plus, I can't wait for all the new accents you're going to come up with (might I add, at the wrong times, and probably while trying to imitate other accents *shakes head). So I leave you in one of of your accents.. hmm.. maybe you're Sottish one aiming to be a Shakespearean one? "Alas, I bid you adieu" and I wish you a Happy New Year love. .. (with me, of course =]). *beso Love, Athleen

Love

2010-12-30T02:08:00.001-08:00

I'm in love with him. And he sings to me. And I'll always remember, "You make me happy, whether you know it or not. We should be happy, that's what I said from the start. I am so happy, knowing you are the one that I want for the rest of my days. For the rest of my days. You're all of my days." I'm scared because I love him, and I'm scared because I don't want to lose him. But I'm so happy, he makes me happy, he is the one that I want, for the rest of my days. He's all of my days.

Wise Words

2010-11-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." — Bob Marley So this is what it feels like. Who knew?! =]

Hate

2010-11-17T17:46:00.000-08:00

There is one feeling in me for him, it's not necessarily hate but it feels very close it. I now see that when you are handed with great pain, you know the feeling of great happiness. In retrospect, knowing great happiness allows you to know what great pain was. I'm very thankful for the person that has come in my life. He treats me well, he treats me right. And beside that, I'm just happy being around him. If I were to cry it would probably be because I'm overwhelmed with love. Back to the point that I wanted to write about however, hate. When you're neglected for years, when you're taken for granted for years on end, and when you've been seen as a "back-up" and lost the sight of love and even friendship, a feeling I didn't know i could carry built up inside me. He is lucky I have any feeling toward him; its the last passion he left imprinted on me. I hate the person I became with him. I despised myself and looked at myself as the cause of the reason he did not love me. That I changed and I wasn't the person he first fell in love with. That --now I see-- was definitely not the problem. Our relationship was. In my eyes now, he is the problem. I knew what I wanted, I knew I couldn't have it, but I waited. He on the other hand, had no clue whatsoever what he wanted and juggled around girls and love like play toys. I hope that the relationships he builds now are on trust and real love, I hope that there is someone out there that can fix him or change him or make him better. It wasn't me, and to be honest, I'm glad it wasn't me. After all those years, I'm thankful it wasn't me.

Nicknames

2010-11-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

You don't repeat nicknames of past girlfriends with new girlfriends. Maestra? You silly, silly boy.

It is

2010-10-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with Ryan. I know it's a big word, but it is what it is.

Resort

2010-10-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

I'm scared I could be his last resort. That he settles because he can't have her. I wonder if he thinks that of me, because it isn't and could never be true. I don't want to say I'm undeserving of his like and his attention toward me, but there was never anything between us before-- and really, nothing at all. So why now? What's changed? I can't tell if it's because he likes me or if it's because he just hasn't been in a relationship and now longs to be in one, with anyone. And the thing is I know he could question my motives too. But the thing is I fell for him a while ago. At Beso I liked him, and it was strictly platonic. What's the difference now, why like me now? I'm happy and I know he says he's happy but I can't help but wonder. This is the reason I can't give a hundred and ten percent, because I can't trust fully like that, ever. He says all these sweet, perfect, romantic, insightful, deepened thoughts and feelings and yet in the back of my mind I question our situation, no matter how uncontrollably happy I am and he seems to be. What is this, because I'm scared, because I can't give in to something that has every potential of breaking me in new ways.

Remembrance

2010-10-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

It makes me pissed. It tells me that for the past five years I wasted a shit load of time on someone who took me for granted. Waste of time, although I'm happy where I am right now and I also comprehend that that road took me here, I can't stop to think, what the hell was wrong with me? Why didn't I get out of it sooner? Waste. of. time. For nothing, nothing.

One Word

2010-09-20T05:10:00.002-07:00

It's simple: Ryan.

Someone

2010-09-15T02:44:00.000-07:00

I met someone. He makes me.. happy. And he held my hand. =] He held my hand when we were walking, he held my hand when we were talking, he held my hand in the living room, he held my hand in his bed, he held my hand when we fell asleep. I call myself stupid happy right now because I'm just all giggles. There's a smile on my face and I can't wipe it off. It's like please stop smiling. Vomit. We'll see where this goes. I asked him what this was, if it was wrong. He said it's definitely not wrong, he said it felt right and he calls it "fresh". I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about him or being with him. So this was the plan! Who would have thought! Definitely not me... and definitely not him. Ahh *smiles* I know, I'm trying to stop but I can't help it!

Deluded

2010-08-02T03:24:00.000-07:00

He loved me more. I didn't love him enough. And I'm never going to. There was never trust, there was never genuine truth in our relationship. It's okay, everyone else saw it but me. But eventually I did, well, now I do. That's what counts. I may sound deluded right now but I'm looking at old things, he loved me more. He tried first. I think he got tired. He made me open up only after he did. He wasn't enough for me, I could never fully open up to him on my own, not then and definitely not now. I guess that's it. That's the end of us.

I Fail

2010-06-27T02:23:00.002-07:00

I failed. I can't make him feel.. anything.

2010-06-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not in love with you. And if I were to look at me I'd pity myself because I tried so hard to love you. You're blind and undeserving and an awful person. You are opposite of what I am. And there's no way we can even be friends. How dare you try to make me be your friend. How dare you hold on to me like its okay. I know i'm not perfect either but I at least know I have a far better character than you do. You disappoint me and I don't want to care that you do. And eventually it will sink in and it'll be real. I know I told you today wasn't the day, but that's just because it's tomorrow.

Sick

2010-06-22T01:37:00.000-07:00

I like being sick when I am. The side effect of having a fever makes me nauseous looking at food. So, I lose more weight. Which is always a good thing.

Home

2010-06-21T02:06:00.000-07:00

By your side, I'll never be. Cause your fake at the seams, you're lost in your dreams, and you want me to know, that you can't let me go. But I'm never coming home again. By your side, I'll never be. I see you, you see me, differently. I tell you that I love you but I never want to see you again.

Even If

2010-06-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

I think it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it's the most painful thing you have done, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. I think it's better to have someone. -- See, this is why you have to continue to push me away. Leave and don't look back . I know you know I deserve better.. because I would hurt to be with you. I would let myself hurt to be with you. So leave.

Worried Much?

2010-06-20T03:25:00.001-07:00

Have I slept with other guys he asks. He tells me to be honest with him, now. He's right, he doesn't know me. I know him. I know the risks I took. He says I'm the only one he has had unprotected sex with. See, he's still not being honest with me. Even when it's about his health. I feel so immune to you. You even said you were sorry. How about you not do anything to be sorry for? But I can't ask for that because I know that's where you fall short. You fall short in loving one person, you fall short in being faithful, you fall short in caring. Figuring that out was the best thing that happened to me. This is why I'm not vulnerable to you anymore. You can't hurt me anymore than you already have. See, you broke me and I know not to go to you to get fixed. You're there because we had memories. Memories I cherished. Memories of a girl who was in love and who was innocent and who could amount to anything only because you were there alongside her. Now you're not, so all those dreams, gone. See, I remember how you use to kiss me, how we couldn't get enough of each other. How you use to be mad at me for not seeing you on Saturdays even though I saw you during breakfast, nutrition, lunch and even classes five days a week. Now when do I see you? I'm lucky if I see you once or twice within a month. It's pathetic, I know that. But what am I supposed to do? I know I'm holding on to nothing but the older version of the person I use to be in love with. You are no longer him and yet I stupidly attempt to get that person out of you-- even if it's just physically because its definitely not emotionally. You're no longer there. I know. And it hurts more days than others when I think about it. But for right now, it doesn't. I hope you're okay, I hope I don't have cancer and I hope it wasn't me that gave it to you. And if you end up having something because you just still couldn't man up to the fact that you are a man and you act like a man and you have sex like I know you do, then, well, one word: karma.

Tainted

2010-06-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

"I think I'm disappointed with life and that's why I'm tainted." He knows what the word means in my terms. "I think you could be tainted but I don't dwell on it." To put it simply, he doesn't care whether or not I'm tainted. Well that's actually really sad. Anyway, I don't think I'm tainted but I probably am-- others suggest I am, my friends suggest I am. I still call myself a virgin however, of course, with the exception of him. He wouldn't care if I did anything so when asks for me to tell him, why should I? Am I right? I'm not saying I have anything to tell, but if I did, I wouldn't. -- Things really would have turned out differently if I would have just walked away from him years ago. To be honest, most of the time, at least now, I wish I did.

Future

2010-05-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

I don't see myself in his future. I don't see him in mine. Tu no me quieres entender. Y yo no puedo asi.

Tool

2010-05-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

He's a damn tool. That's all there is to it.There is no intellect there. He tries to treat me like crap which makes me wonder how his "girlfriend" puts up with it. What. the. fuck. "Send me a picture of your boob." Oh my god I wish I could knock you out right now. You're not worth it. There is no brain to you either, what the hell happened to you?! Do you think you can just walk on me like all those other girls? Hell no. I've grown up since high school sweetheart. I will not let you disrespect me. I thought I had it bad, I was so wrong because nope, if someone has it bad its that "unofficial" girlfriend you have. I just lost all respect for you. That's it. Peace. Oh wait, I actually want to thank you for one thing though, you've made me remember how much being in a relationship with a guy who lies and cheats is a damn waste of time. Stay single, mark my words. Ha. If only you guys knew the consequences of your actions. Yes, go on, did I say something wrong? Do you want to make yourself feel better? Call that girl. Oh, and don't forget to lay the other girl, oh and before you go to bed, text that other one. What? You think you guys are special? That you're the only guys that act the way you do? You don't think we have guys who calls us, lays us, and texts us? Can't answer that question can you. Trust, its best you guys don't know.

Timing

2010-05-19T23:59:00.001-07:00

He was the right guy and we met at the right time and we were in the right place. We were right for one another. And then... we just weren't.

Not Alright

2010-05-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

What is it about him that makes you want to do things that are unlike you, things that are bad and wrong? First you torture yourself with the play by play memory that does not lend help in untangling what really went wrong with your relationship. Second, you try to desensitize yourself from him and the things he does so you can feel safe, sheltered, oblivious to the fact that the faults you see in him are what they are. You tell yourself its okay as long as you don't know. But even you know you deserve better than that. So instead of severing yourself from him, you torture yourself in his presence. You remain in contact and you are always there for him when he needs someone. And when it is you need someone, that's when that tad bit of courage you have left in you comes in. You use that courage, not for telling him how he's killing you inside, but for keeping your emotions hidden.You feel like his needs are far better than yours that you can cast your feelings and your needs aside for his own. Third, you know the truth about him: he's imperfect. He's not the same person that walked in your life a lifetime ago. You know what he is made up of, you've grown to observe, to try to understand, and finally, to pretend like you can overlook each and every hurtful thing he has done to you. We know he flirts with other girls. We know he sleeps with them too. We know that if he wants to, he gets what he wants. But what do you get? You get a fading memory of perfection. You get a fading memory of what its like to be happy with him. You get a fading memory of unconditional love. Unconditional love they say. To put up through anything, but at what cost? Love is dead to me, because there is no heart in me capable of even holding on to the idea of love. Love, love is not supposed to be like this.

He Would Be Loved

2010-05-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

Is there any body better than him? One of the things that prevent you from stopping to love someone is thinking that this person is the one. If you think that way then ask yourself a question, is there anybody else on earth who is better than him? Its either there is someone you know or either there is someone you haven’t met yet, but definitely, he is the not the best person in the world, else everyone would have loved him.

Sacrifice

2010-05-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

Phone

2010-05-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

The mobile phone, it use to be just for emergency purposes. Now, when you're with the person you haven't seen for nearly three weeks, its the only thing he cares to look at. Its dinner time and he is sliding his finger not across your thigh, but instead the screen of his black iPhone 3GS. He realizes you're in front of him so he decides to let you in on what he's doing: "I'm checking my email" he tells you. Great! So what do you do? There's no oral communication going on since it is over-rid by his need to telecommunicate instead. Then you think, hey, well at least that means that when he's out with other people, you can always reach him... right? But it hits you. The answer to that is no. Actually, you think, he takes forever to reply to your texts. But he always has his phone. Huh. It hits you again that now you're just a tad bit annoyed. So okay, you take out your phone too. Its dinner, the restaurant is actually at a good noise level with the hustle and bustle of waiters walking around, family's talking to one another, and couples who are actually speaking to each other. But there the two of you are, comfortably sitting in a booth across one another and you're both staring intensely-- oh no, not at one another-- but at a little shiny and glaring 2 by 4 screen. Well at least I took out my phone to take a picture of him, I like having something to remember him by even when his interest seemed more moved by an electronic device. Well, in his defense, the thing does vibrate.

I Know

2010-05-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

I know I gave up on you a long time ago.. years ago even.. yet you somehow find ways to disappoint me, even in the slightest degree. Its sad really. You've just become a disappointment, I thought you were capable of everything. Guess I was wrong to think that too.

April 6, 2004

2010-04-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Dear you, Happy Pseudo First Kiss To You In The Downtown Library Anniversary. You made me very happy.

It Seems

2010-04-06T00:59:00.001-07:00

You must love her. The way you act with me... it seems as if you want her with you now. I never stopped you before. I'm not stopping you now. As if I ever really could. As long as you're happy, well, I can find my own way. Love her with all you have, it'll be worth it, you'll see. In time, I'll genuinely be happy for you, but for now, my acceptance should be enough. For me at least. It seems as though she finally got through to you. Lucky girl.

Dream

2010-04-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear you, thank you for telling me you have dreams about me. Allows me to believe that at least some part of you still thinks of me. Even if its only subconsciously. Had to write this here, not my tumblr.

Old Paper

2010-03-20T01:30:00.000-07:00

I found this written in my old math notebook. I'm trying to clean things out. Anyway, here you go. "He cheated, she wept, he did not forgive himself and neither did she. This was her next chapter, learning to love herself, more than he ever did. She found out on a night which made life empty, the earth she stepped on, a deserted place where she could only hold on to herself . Friends she had were there, watching and waiting for her to falter. She called, she pleaded, she asked him, he told her he could never. That she sounded absurd and that he didn't do what she accused him of. She believed him and the worst part of it was that he did lie to her, he was lying to her right then and there. He didn't face her after that nor did he even try to call. Its like he had made the mistake and she had been the one to pay for it. She expected something, and he gave nothing." I'm realizing what a terrible person you were... and probably still are. I'm sorry, not for me, but for you, this is a change.

Nice Factor

2010-03-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

So when your ex wants to play nice? What do you do? Sadly, there's not much you can do without sounding like you're otherwise left in hurt, pain, devastation, brokenness, emptiness, and all that jumbo crap that you know you're feeling. But while he is off in his own prissy world wanting to keep in touch with yours just so that he can have the benefit of you in his life without realizing the wound that is there is trying to heal the f--- up he, by bothering you, is keeping it open. So the nice card? Really? Is that the best you can do? You know that quote that goes something like "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? See, that doesn't go for me. Absence is absence. Absence is "out of sight, out of mind" for me. And you want to play nice. Thanks for your very "nice" "affection" now. Out of all times you want to be nice and caring and curious about my life now. I admire your brother's ex girlfriend. Yes, I said it. Online text: "Be nice to your ex. He has given you a wonderful opportunity to learn more about life. He has taught you more about what kind of person is right for you—and wrong for you. He has given you some great romantic memories of the things that you loved and helped you open your eyes to the thing that you didn’t. Your ex has given you the emotional strength to open up and care for someone and the emotional strength to leave them. Your ex has opened the door for you to be a better person, on more levels than you can ever imagine. Walk through that door. The right person is waiting for you on the other side and when you meet them, they’ll want to thank your ex for making it happen." And what do I have to say? Bullshit. You know what, I'm glad I have finals, it keeps me from hating you. It keeps me from feeling anything at all for you. I really don't have time for all this niceness. You cease to surprise me. Helpful tip of remembrance: you and your short term memory may not recall, so let me refresh it: disregarding "nice," you know how you just wanted to play? Like play in general? Don't nod your head or chuckle it off, you know what I mean. Well when you wanted to "play" and I realized what you were doing, I "played" back. Oh yes dear, think about what that means , really hard if you must. It was what it was so it is what it is. You want to play nice? Okay, I bet I can beat you the finish line. I hope you could see me, I'm giving you the greatest, loveliest, nicest, happiest, most grateful smile, and all just. for. you.

Scent

2010-03-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

The sense of smell does wonders. A certain scent specific to a certain individual can draw him closer-- it can attract you or even repel you. Certain scents have the ability to bring you back to your childhood. Certain scents have the ability to make you remember. In effect, it can influence your mood and behavior and performance in any given moment. Sometimes it can make you wonder why your significant other smells like someone else. But that's not the case here. More enlightening, a certain smell lingers on me. In a good way. I'll just say its definitely a new smell, my meaning is literal. Its definitely a cologne. Its also a smell I'd like to connect with something else, but I can't seem to. Some part of my memory seems inhibited. Its more subtle than strong. Its sweet but its not floral nor is it feminine. Its a new favorite smell of mine. It is, to some unfortunate extent, left on my skin. I could where it everyday without ever minding to smell... like.. well it's not appropriate to say yet. Hmph, I guess this a new effect on me. Odd isn't it?

In Ways

2010-03-11T02:38:00.000-08:00

In some ways I'm glad he's not in my life. I've come to realize that with all the good he did, all the bad was hidden. I look at these girls that are in the same reluctant situation. One who's waiting for an inevitable break up. One who will commit herself to a life worth fighting back for her first love. "First love." The hold that that phrase can have over someone who has experienced it for herself is palpable. The psychology beyond it is even more interesting. If there is mind over matter, why not over this kind of nuance? I texted him back today. Does that mean anything? No, it doesn't. Does it mean I missed him? No, it doesn't. Does that mean I just wanted to text him to see what he would say? More than likely, yes. And I wonder why it took me about an hour to even think about the thought of texting or replying back to him. There's a part of me that's trying to hold on to him. I'm suppressing that part of me. The thing is, I believe there is no hope for her nor is there hope for the boy she use to love. He's changed and he's not the same person she sets eyes on today. This person on the other hand, a mere acquaintance if not a stranger. It would help if he forgot her too. Do I wish for this? You may think not, but my feelings have changed so much my answer might actually surprise you.

Guess What? I'm Back.

2010-03-10T03:21:00.000-08:00

I will write later, I've come to realize how much I enjoy reading my own past entries. Anyway, I have a lot more to say. The story isn't over yet.

Closure

2009-12-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

It's what I wanted, it's what I got. I cannot complain. This is where we finish and this is where this blog finally ends. Happy New Year, 2010.

Bookends

2009-12-14T03:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not the one. He's not the one, for me. Time it was and what a time it was, it was a time of innocence, a time of confidences. Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph. Preserve your memories, they're all that's left of you. I can go now.

Silence

2009-12-08T01:15:00.000-08:00

Here that? Silence. A few minutes before however, noise. You can hear the inconsistent breaths, the gasps for air, the uncontrollable crying. The tightness in her chest towers. She's a little anxious, she's a little depressed, and she's withdrawn. She lays on the side of her bed, wrapping her arms around herself, she's alone and she is the only one she'll allow to console herself. Her eyes are red and sore and swollen but she manages to shut them closed, but nothing happens-- the pain hovers. She wants to escape and she wants to forget. But her memories are there to remind her of what she's lost and in the midst of it all, what she's regrettably done to herself. She does not want to sleep, she knows that even her dreams are there to remind her. The scars, the loneliness, they are all palpable. She tries to relax but the tears fall. She has the feeling of hate churn inside her. She wants it to disappear. She doesn't want to hold the feeling of anger. She doesn't want anything to do with feeling. She wants the numbness, she wants to lose sight of it all. She grabs a pillow and she hides her face under it. She wants to stop crying but she can't. She knows it's not going to be okay. Not for a long time. So, she marks the years in her thoughts, and the months, and the days, and the hours, and the minutes, and the seconds, and the moments it took to get where she is now. She wonders, what will it take for her to forget it all? She falls asleep. Silence.

About Ready

2009-11-26T02:01:00.000-08:00

I can leave. All of it, I can leave it all behind now. I feel like I can breathe without having to worry about what's going to happen next. I've been there because I didn't know where else I could go. And I didn't know how else to behave. Where I stood or what I was there for. So I was left in the position to remember why, why was I there. Did I love or like being there? No. I couldn't find a reason anymore. The feeling wasn't comfortable -- it didn't feel like home. I could stay use to it if I was listless and hopeful, but in the light of things, I see that nothing can come from it. I'm ready to be left. I'm ready to leave. And soon enough, I'll let this be known.

My Heart

2009-11-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

My heart is hurting. I can feel it. It's pain. It's real pain.

Devastating

2009-10-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm fuming, so mad, so upset. Like I could break a brick wall with my bare fists. You know I just put myself out there because why? To be understood, because that's whats wanted and that's what people say they need. So I do. And I realize, there's no (swears) use. They only hear you and yet they never turn a cover to understand you. Consideration, sympathy, empathy, gratitude, they don't understand those emotions and don't know how to give them. Better yet, they don't even know when it's appropriate to stop being the opposite of those things--the only feelings they do know how to give. The worse part is, these people, I've known them for several years now. Yet somehow they still don't get it. They never did and they never will apparently. It's so upsetting how you have to give up on someone after all that time just because they don't know how to feel a little. Anything, I ask for anything, and nothing is what I get.

Pieces

2009-09-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Some people say you have to take the good with the bad. They say it's not worth crying over. They say that you'll be okay. They say not to worry. They say you will eventually move on. They say you can learn from your mistakes. They say you'll learn from your experience. They say everything happens for a reason. They say, they say, they say. Everyday I wonder what I'm doing. Reluctant to realize I'm probably the only one so apt to ask myself that question and not know what the answer is to follow. There are days when I ask myself if it's worth it. Other days I remind myself so immensely that it is. Then the days that follow where I'm positive it's not. And then I lose sight of myself and the circumstance. I then realize I am bias each day. The days I say it's not worth it and do nothing about it, are the days I think I can continue to put up with it-- that my heart won't feel anything if I did something about so I might as well do nothing about it-- I'm my strongest then. The days I say it is worth it and do nothing about it, are the days I think I'm weak because I can't manage to cough up the words to make my thoughts known of where things stand. A confusing cycle that, I only , knowingly and apparently, think about. I'm not strong. I'm weak because I can't talk about it. Because I keep it all in. I'm weak because I know I probably can move on with my life and I'm weak because I know I probably can't. Pieces, words, phrases, they don't make sense in my head and they don't make sense written. They say, they say, they say-- yet they, however, do not know.

Mask

2009-09-10T02:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone has something to hide. Everyone has a fear they're ashamed to show. Everyone has the human ability to feel embarrassed and yet they do whatever they can to cover that facet up.

Perdido

2009-09-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

It means lost. It's even read in the stars: "You're feeling a little lost today, and for good reason -- you're not getting the guidance you need! Unfortunately, that guidance is not forthcoming today, so try to find your way without a map." It's more as if I haven't gotten guidance in the past year. Writing now feels like a chore. I was so use to venting and creating words on paper that were nicer than the ones clouding my thoughts. I'm pushing myself to write this, at least it's something. So, I took a break this summer from school. It's doing me good. I don't think I would have done well if I continued. I needed a break. I'm honest when I say that I've lost motivation in many things. School has topped that list. I go to a great school though, that's without a doubt. My professors are the best in their league, the readings and the work usually entice me, and yet I still feel like I do my work because I have to and not because I want to. I know I sound irrational right now, but that's how it is. What's worse is that I've found remedies to get my brain working, and yet it causes me to sidetrack from my studies. I read things on my own that I enjoy, and yet could never pursue in school-- there's just no way, and that's where my reasoning plays in. I was always scared of the future and that, I know, makes me lose sight of the present. What will come? So many things have changed now that I believe there is less to lose but all that is left are the ones that really mattered. To note, it's not even the letting go or giving up that is the hardest part, it's the getting use to that aches me. As an example, old friends. I know everyone has drifted, I know I have moved on, but there are those occasional days when you wake up and you wonder why those people are not a part of your life anymore, you don't know why, but you do know that you miss them, and yet you can't reach out to them the same way you use to. You get caught in memories, in reminisces of the past, happy or sad. It makes a framework of what I have now and of what little there is left to lose. And how deafening it would be to lose everything I've accomplished thus far. It's a scary thought-- the future. I'm not sure I'm destined to know what's in store for me. Whatever that means.

Phone

2009-08-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

So what does it take to have to lie to someone to get off the phone? Let's just say he was 1. boring 2. naive 3. mean 4. vulgar. Any one of those things and I would have gotten off the phone anyway, but combined? What person puts up with that? Sadly, one girl: her. Well I took the weight off her shoulders for that one hour talking nonsense to a guy so deeply committed to being on his high horse. They both have problems and it drives me mad when they talk to me about it instead of one another. She wants to break up. He wants to break up. She doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything. She waits. He waits. They are stuck. And I am the attentive, mutual, friend in the middle who hears both of their story and comes to the realization that they have problems they need to work out with themselves before committing them to a relationship. They are bounded by lies, deceit, anger, and pain. It's sad really to look at a relationship like that from the outside. I pity people stuck on another because they can't put one foot in front of the other, even when there is someone pushing them to. They want to be the victim, they want to be stuck, they want to be miserable, and so, they are. Too damn bad, if they chose to make the effort to stick to it instead of fixing it.

Hail

2009-06-16T03:49:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of Mexico last night. Why? I don't know. I was in Mexico and then there was hail. I was trying to get away from something and then there was just hail. I ducked. So I woke up and went to dreamdictionary.com to look it up. I quote, "Hail. To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm, suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn." You think? Oh and it goes on.. "Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally." No I wonder I can't even get the tears to come out or the words to choke up. Emotionally shut down, that's the perfect phrase when you think about it. There isn't much emotion left in me but to be okay, to be sufficient enough to meet suffice. It's not happiness, it's definitely not love, it's not anything for that matter. I feel empty and it's because I let myself get to the point that it's okay to be in a relationship that really isn't defined as one. It's a one sided -ship that I have chosen to ride, and to ride alone. And why? Because. Because I chose to keep the comfort and the familiarity that I've known for years. So that I wouldn't have to give it up. So that I could keep it on the side as long as he was keeping it on the side. It was never a priority so why should I make it one then? And that's what I did, I let it slip because he let it slip. This was never me, and I turned into something I never wanted to become. I turned into something I was running away from. It was fear and now the hail has come and I am to quote, "shut down". Perfect words for a non perfect relationship.

Essay

2009-06-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

10 pages, one topic. No writing skills necessary. Really. I feel like the creativity that I love about writing dissipates for my class. Oh and by the way, it's an English class. So why is this? They don't want fancy introductions or tall-tell tales of dragging on. "Get straight to the point" they say, no need for dillydally. So what's the point then? How many words are there in the Oxford English Dictionary? And how many languages are there to interpret a text or piece? Why does everything have to plain, banal? Those questions befall me when it comes to class and essays. They expect long essays of concrete context that is dense with material when the actual text or the meaning of the text they ask you to use is at about one page in length. This does not help. Classes don't help sometimes either. As a turnout, I'm falling behind in creativity. My own writing standards seemed to have vanished since the years of high school. English class, Mr. Russell-- now that was a class where I learned to write. I learned words too so look at that university level college crap. Nonetheless, I finished my 10 page paper that's due a week from today. Oh, and I'm so happy it's over with. Never again, I'm telling you.

Writing

2009-06-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

"I think you make him happy." His best friend, my yearbook, years ago.

Payback

2009-06-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of that word and I got chills, literally. And maybe because I'm listening to Placebo's new album. Payback is here. Take a look, it's all around you. Find a friend in whom you can confide. Anyway, my teeth hurt. Went to the ortho today and he pulled my wires back. Do you know how awful that feels? Hence, I can not even eat bread. So this is a tangent from payback but I was just thinking about the word. I'm almost done with school, I finished one final, 3 more to go. Study time.

Oreos

2009-05-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

I figure I get the normal sized oreos versus the mini ones. Grabbing for it I realized there were only double stuff oreos and reduced fat oreos to chose from. My philosophy: if I can eat more for the same amount of calories as the normal stuff, well grab the reduced fat. So I did. They taste the same. There's just less of that white stuff in the middle. And anyway, I only like the cookie part. So why the oreos in the first place? Well I figure food and depression go hand in hand.. no, food and anger.. no, food and disappointment.. no, food and jealousy? UGH. I can't even make up my mind about a damn stupid trivial definition. I know, it's a combination of all that bullsht. Oh, and you can't imagine just how hard I'm hitting these keys to type right now. Moving on. So this is what I found on a website. I quote. "Indeed, comfort foods -- which are almost always high in bad fats, sugar, salt or a combination of the three -- provide instant gratification and pleasant feelings (albeit often short-lived ones) 100 percent of the time you eat them." Okay let me translate. Indeed, men -- which are almost always successful in making you jealous, irritable, pissed the f off or a combination of the three -- provide instant gratification and pleasant feelings (albeit, always short-lived ones) 100 percent of the time they use you and you don't know it. Well, sometimes you know, you just let it happen anyway.So why hold on? Because you're a little lonely? You're a little desperate? You want to hold on and never let go? That's bullshit. And you just let your mind plays games with you thinking it's the other way around sometimes, that you're the one using, that you're the one playing the games. But it just isn't that way. And all this because a damn bag of oreos were purchased today. Eff.

Composure

2009-05-23T02:11:00.000-07:00

It's scary when you let yourself go. When you find things you thought you lost and then they have a power to bring back painful memories. But the memories, no matter how harsh, allow you to see how far you've come along-- how much you've actually recovered. How much you've grown, and how much you've moved on. When I saw all of them... I think I wanted it to hurt me, to hurt me in the present like it hurt me in the past. It would have been evidence that I still felt the same way. That I still had a crying passion, even if it was hate or sadness or disappointment, a sense of feeling regardless. But nothing. Tears rolled down because I couldn't feel what I wanted to. In the moment I realized it just doesn't matter anymore. Not even less than it use to, but at all. This was the end. This was it. Now I have nothing in the present to write about. Nothing is here to write about.

Lazarus

2009-05-12T01:38:00.001-07:00

"It's hard to see you again, now that you're back from the dead." I have to say.. the joy... the rapture... the ecstasy that I got elsewhere is not here. This is pointless and yet I go on waiting? And for what? Nothing's coming, I know that for a fact-- see, now that's reality, that's the bitter effing truth. And sometimes I have to say I'm glad. Because the people that use to be around me are awful people inside. A little part of me decays each time someone leaves. I'd rather have it decay then spread however-- their nothing pure, nothing short of deceiving, rotting, sons of bitches. And the most painful of one, is the one I'm most glad about for leaving. Everything will be better, later if not sooner--- but later, later will come. Some people are awful inside, torturous, manipulative, cheating, deceiving, lying... something I need nothing more of. I'm a handful to myself already, and I'm fine, treading alone because this is what I'm getting use to. And all that other stuff? The fakeness, the temporary moments, it's not real. They're not solid, just waiting to disappear. As far as I can tell, they already have. You already have. Nothing. Nothing to me.

Communication

2009-04-27T02:04:00.000-07:00

I use to think that I got too much of it. I had to listen, to everything. But now I know nothing, not one problem, not one feeling, not one thought. This lack of communication, of not knowing, it's what I asked for. It's what I got. I thought we were suppose to work on it. Do our parts to make it work. I mean that's what a friendship is right? But he and I, we don't have a relationship, we don't have a friendship... I don't know what we do have, but I don't like this anymore, not one bit.

Recovery

2009-04-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

So I found the document-- from high school. The letter I used against them. And yet I don't have the password to open the damn file. Great. I've been searching, I've even downloaded a password recovery software but nada, nothing, zilch. It'll come to me in time though. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be faced with how exactly I acted my senior year. Yes I was secretive and surreptitious, to the point where I rebelled against them. In any consolation, they started it and hid it, I found out about it, I did something about it, and I alone ended it.

Music

2009-03-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

[Random Information] My Favorite Music Artists/Bands: Death Cab for Cutie - Explosions in the Sky - Led Zeppelin - Placebo - Muse - My Chemical Romance - Taking Back Sunday - As of years now...

Carried

2009-03-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

He carries me all the time, like I weigh a feather or something. It's disturbing, but still cute nonetheless. He's here right now, but I think he's faking being asleep. His eyes are closed, his breathing is... oddly breath-taking. Can a guy actually look as perfect or even beautiful? Because I"m telling you, the word beautiful does not serve his looks any justice. Lucky for me he doens't have blue eyes to throw off our balance any more than his tall great statuesque figure already does. He has brown eyes though, kind of like honey but darker. Oh and what's worse? He's always here now. This is some getting use to. "Come here.. I want to tell you something". He beckons-- that's my call to stop writing for now.

Intrigue

2009-03-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

It's hopeless when you get attracted to something... someone... all over again. But this time its different, he's different, and everything about it feels different. My stomach fills with nothing less than butterflies and my heart, it pulses strikingly and even more than usual. The emotions I get is utter feeling, to their extremes. It was a want at first and now it's a need, and never a moment where it occurs less than that. The temptation I have now for him is surreal. Uncontrollable and unquestionable, he mesmerizes me. His voice, his laugh, his smile... the fact that his gestures are made only to enlighten me. He's visited me everyday now. It seems that the day I stopped looking for the right person, the perfect person came along. He was unexpected, he was more than I could ever imagine. And I felt him, he came to me and he never looked away from my eyes since. I knew he was looking for me, but he found me, and the time, the wait, the distance before that disappeared in that instant. He's simply, more, more than I ever had, could have. Whenever he talks to me, he holds me, whether through his arms or through his eyes he captures my attention and there is never an overpowering distraction to look away. The warmth we share when we're together in inexplicable. It's consuming and I don't care much for anything when he's not there. I've never found it so easy to fall asleep as much as it is when I'm around him. He waits, and I can feel his eyes look over me, watching me, protecting me. I woke up once and I was confounded to see him there to my rescue and in less than a lingering moment's time, I felt the smoothness of his hand cradle the sides of my face and my neck... he was there, I was safe. The past before this day did not matter and my future was only secure if he would be in it. But he promised me in that instant that he would remain there, here with me, always. I believe him. He's opened my eyes, he's made me complete, a complete I never knew I could feel. In an instant he brought me to a place, with my eyes closed he walked me and carried me there. There wasn't even an urge to look around, he was with me and that's what mattered. I can't bring myself to realize how much a person can intrigue another, but apparently it happens, and it's happening to me. He gives me life and I don't know how or why but he needs me just as much. What he and I have-- this is new, it's different, it's real, it's finally here.

La Vengeance

2009-03-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Revenge is a dish best served cold. And once you get a glimpse of it, the smell, the touch, the consumption-- it all leaves your lips watering for more. Revenge is sweet, so they say, and so I hope is true.

Driving

2009-03-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

My mind was empty with the exception of one thought. And I was driving, not paying attention to streetlights either-- green? red? All these are things that were secondhand in that moment. I then begin to wander with that one thought. This one speck of light didn't help clear things up, it made everything a perspective from one person-- me. So how? And why? And what happened? Suddenly and unexpectedly. Because. I don't know. That's all the answers I can come up with. Life is already difficult, that other stuff need not be there, but it is, and it is uncontrollable, not caring who you are, just there to take it's toll. It made we want to get away, to disappear. When your driving, with no music, with the windows all rolled up, and it's you and the gas pedal and the quiet, and the road in front of you, you wonder how you got there. And you don't know how, and you don't know why, and you don't know what happened. Next think you know that emotion gets wrapped around aching your body and making a trail to your mind, and there's not just emotional pain but physical pain. Your mind aches with memories-- your heart aches with hurt. And they burst in the only way they can to let the thought and pain go, streams through your eyes, and you can't stop it just like you can't stop what happened to you.

Pausing

2009-02-24T22:02:00.000-08:00

How could I explain that the way I felt was actually better? How could he ever know what was going through my mind? Suddenly I understood the term visiting. I was in one place, he was in another, and he was only pausing. --I haven't been writing for a while, I've been busy, making my life that way. The more complicated I can make it with things to do, the less time I have to think. And the less time my heart has to feel broken. In light of that, I've been trying to do all I can with my life, school, work-- all aspects of time that I tweak to more use than moping. But there's been a few things I've caught on to realize but just as well, letting other things slip away. To answer my first question, I could never tell him I was actually better now. He would never know, and I couldn't tell him that he released me in two unexpecting but great ways. He broke up with me and second, he gave me the chance to find myself again. I was so lost in being so angry, anxious, jealous, upset that I forgot what it was to be happy with myself, and with him. Moments didn't have to be wrapped around emotions of tears or hate, it was simpler than that. I enjoy everything more. His hugs, his kisses, his hold on me. Just as much, my instincts are so irradicated that they know better. They know he'll never really be mine, ever. So it's okay that I let him hug me, kiss me, hold me, because that's all I can give back to him. I can't give him any more of me, my heart and my love are mine to keep and to keep safely. My love for him has grown, different than I ever imagined-- the love I have for him is of genuine respect, he let me see something I needed to see in myself and that was strength, strength to love myself unconditionally, strength to be able to love another with boundaries of reality, strength to move on. The thing is, I hate to look back and think this way when I'm trying so hard to push forward that I remember I was always there, however much I wanted to dwell on past memories each time I was with him, with each instance I was still there, with him. I was there to stay. But in the end, he really was just passing by, pausing his life to make an impact in mine, he was a visitor, someone meant to only pass by, and he did. And after that and before you knew it, he left.

Past Tense

2009-01-26T00:37:00.000-08:00

"He's not close to being anything to me and this is what's going to tear us apart. And if he's not going to do anything to keep me close to him, I'll be the one to tear this apart, at least faster anyway." -September 30, 2006.

30 Minutes

2009-01-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I need 30 minutes right now to get myself together. This is suffocating me. 30 minutes. Replaced.

Moving

2009-01-24T14:21:00.000-08:00

Moving along. Moving on. I don't want to, but I have to. And I understand it's only the best and I'll be okay because he's okay. So this is me, writing not about the problems I have being in a relationship anymore. Instead, this is me being set aside from it, single, searching, waiting for love and a relationship and stability and security and hope in that one person that will be there for me, that one person my heart will be enough for.

Falling

2009-01-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

They use to stop. The tears. I use to hold them in for longer. At the end of the day, they are all waiting for me to burst, just so they can. I don't know what it is I'm missing, I want everything to be fine, to be okay. If anything was unfair in my life, I wouldn't say school or family or friends, just love. I'm empty right now, I can't tell if I have too many emotions or if I have none at all. I can't tell if there's a heart in me that's aching or if there's nothing there but a hole in my chest. Sometimes it feels numb and other times it feels like someone's stepping on it. Unimaginably, it does hurt and I don't care who believes that or not because I feel it, that something inside me telling me something's just not right. And the tears, they run because they have nowhere else to go and I'm not sure where they come from to begin with. It's all mixed, no true path, jumbled and endless. It starts with my nerves and memories and senses and I get lost and then I remember and then I miss and then I lose myself. Next thing you know, there's a burn that I notice starts trailing across my face in a single direction that splits into hundreds. My eyes can't do anything but feel it and see it. It feels the clump of emotion that it wants to release and it sees unclear, fogged with this unusual sense of water and salt and heat-- tears. Tears, they ache. It all aches. I know for a fact that I'm not happy, I'm so very unhappy if anything. But I miss everything and I have no clue what that is or use to be. One thing is for certain, as it always had been, I'm alone at the end of the day with one thing beside me, my tears.

Granted

2009-01-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

And so, I am reassessing the relationship I once had. Conclusively, I took him for granted. This is generally in my perspective and I'm not going to touch on whether or not he felt the same way, about me. It's a different issue and an entire entry in itself. These past couple of weeks have been dreaded. I get glimpses of hope that build up only to be shattered each time I think about him and then when I do actually see him. --- edit later, sleep deprivation is making my brain function worse.

2008-12-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

Is it so awful that I want more? Though I guess it's probably not expected of me. I feel like I'm hitting below the belt. The feelings I thought I grew out of take me aback sometimes and they are only being conjured up by the slightest attempts of story-telling. I have to be clear that there is no anger, jealousy, or hate in me but just utter want, desire, and longing. I want something real out of this life and it's been 19 years of subconsciously seeking it. Now however, I am more keen and aware of this need that I've lost interest in many things. And in just the same way, I've gained interest in other things, and it has not been fair that I still linger with those of the former. My options are held out in front of me and I still can't make a decision or at least become strong enough to go with the gut feeling that is now just pulling me under. There are meaningful things I'm looking for and everything else past and present, I just doubt that they even mattered to begin with.

Try, Verb

2008-11-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

Apparently I've never written about this which is kind of surprising on my behalf. By definition it means to make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt. Looking back, I've noticed that everything I've done needed me to try at first even if it meant failing in the end. It's funny to even realize that when you write about your life you sometimes forget about everyone else. This is why I'm dedicating this entry to everyone's who's tried for me. For them, for each one, I am thankful.

Part Two

2008-11-02T01:26:00.004-07:00

Bricks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I'll spare you the trouble in finding out how untrue that saying can be. I'll continue this later.

Words

2008-11-02T01:25:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when you hear them or read them they mean everything. They teach you things and you learn from them. Other times, they mean nothing. Ironic isn't it? One example: the four letter word. I'm not going to spell it out for you since it's all I ever write about. So it starts. You say something and you wait for some kind of reply, something that will reassure you-- something that will lessen your doubts. So, you end up with two possible outcomes. One, you get the reassurance and then the cliche of actions speak louder than words that start ringing through your ears. Two, you don't get the reassurance and your left to over think and perpetuate your own thoughts and even more doubts and realize you've just put yourself in a position that you don't want to be in. And actually there is a third outcome. You get an answer so indirect and unfulfilling that you wonder why it's so hard for someone to read you when your heart is clearly spread on the table in manageable pieces to put together. I guess satisfaction is never something to run across in this case. What I really want to say is, I've stopped believing in those three words. And really, I've lost feeling to the four letter word that encompasses it all. It's not real to me and at this moment it's only replaced with yet another four letter word that seems to exist more often, hurt. So what for? Here's another four letter word: pain. So don't tell me you love me and don't expect me to say it anymore. Tell me you'll hurt me, tell me I'll end up in pain, just tell me the truth. And in response, I'll be honest. I'll tell you I won't miss any of it. I'll even tell you that words were never enough. Words, it's just a word. Pain, it's just a word. Hurt, it's just a word. Love-- it's just a word.

Considering

2008-10-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm considering a decision. It's not one I've thought about in a very very long time but it seems to have popped up again. Out of where? Not nowhere to say the least. It's definitely not a change I want but I feel I may just need. From views of the past, it's not a decision I've dealt with readily. That's why I'm second guessing it all. I'm not even sure if this is just a mood swing that will pass or this is something I actually have to deal with. It's eating me up inside right now. My thoughts seem to scatter, my will is a bit more weak, and I'm not sure how the words would even begin to come out. Life is too short right? So what perspective should I take that in? I can either hide it all up and just live and be happy for the time being or I can put myself in retrospect and do something different and uncalled for and just try to for once. I know the topic seems vague but even I can't put the words in writing just yet. Sadly enough, I don't see a light at either end of this tunnel. One way is just with him and one is without.

Prenupt

2008-10-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

Because you can't trust another person with your heart or your assets. So usually the word "prenupt" is taboo when it comes to marriages. People look down upon it as it shows a lack of trust in a relationship. Yet, I think it's just a way of being smart. So what thought brings this out? Well to put it out first, I am by far not making a cynical approach to the traditional marriage. What I am doing although is advising an ensurance of financial well-being. There are loopholes to marriages and so I think it would be at best for both parties to make sure they are at least exempt from those in the paperwork. Researching on it, it keeps coming up that only 1% of all married couples within the United States has a Prenuptual Agreement. So I'm guessing that the leftover 99% of couples are happy in their marriages? Highly doubted. As posted on the Divorce Rate webpage in America, 41% of first marriages end in divorce. So love isn't blind in this respect-- people are. Even with couples that aren't married but plan on living with one another, I suggest the cohabitation agreement. To put it plainly it's basically a prenupt without the ring and ceremony involved. Back to the prenup, the advantages of having one ranges. Firstly, you avoid the legal costs and unnecessary attorney fees if you ever have to find yourself in divorce court. The second advantage? If you plan on having kids (which, mind you, is another entry to blog about) then you don't have to worry about them receiving distribution of the inheritance or wealth of the former family-- in the case of divorce or death. The third advantage, if you have family assets such as businesses, property, etc. at stake, your partner can't use marital claim to withold them. I'll skip the known fourth advantage as it deals with businesses, stock, and shares. The fifth advantage are creditor debts. Under a prenupt you are waived of your partner's credit debts-- previous to marriage-- protecting your own specified amounts of money. The sixth, last but not least, is the division of allocated marital property. In this way, you don't have to fight over property later on in the divorce, if it sadly ends to that. The disadvantage? "It's unromantic." And yes, that's the only reason I could find on the internet. To end on this, think about the pros and cons and well, just be smart enough to weigh out the differences accurately. Love is a nice idea but the rates, facts, and reality of it all? It's just not always a fairy tale happy ending.

Number Six

2008-10-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I did a little research and found some readings. It seems that society notices the idea of cheating as something men do. When you have a girlfriend that gets cheated on the situation is intense, emotional, dramatic. But what happens when the man gets cheated on? Men have the capacity to take away your heart and then, apparently, your own fifteen minutes of fame. Now of course it isn't the publicity you would want. But why is this? That it's talk only about why men cheat. Women look for these reasons of why thieir boyfriends and husbands cheat all over the internet and overlook their own other half. Women do just the same acts of infidelity-- maybe even worse. So what happens when women cheat? Rather, why? And why isn't it getting the same acclaim as when men do it. Well as been noted by one source I've stumbled on, "Women tend to keep things to themselves, but there are signs that they're catching up with the guys." Approximately 9,400 women were polled and asked if they ever cheated on their husband. 49% said they had. What hope does this give us to the women who aren't even married yet? This really does say a lot about the relationships people show to have within the present day. So although there is absolutely no justification for cheating in a relationship, as I see it prone, here are the closest six reasons I've read about on why women cheat. #1: Familiarity has bred indifference. Women feel, after a certain point, that they are taken for granted. Intimate feelings, thoughts, ideals, goals are left outside the door that were once the only things you could talk about and share and petty conversations take it's substitute. #2: Parallel lives. After days, months, and even years of being side by side you both diverge. His priorities include less of you, he has school or work or other friends. Thus, the seperation gap increases and next thing you know you have more in common with the guy in the movie theatre watching Sex and the City for the third time. #3: The passion has fizzled. Women have the dream guy they want, the best friend they need in him, and to top it off the loss of excitement in it all. In part, I guess this can be explained as the woman taking the man for granted instead of vice versa. So instead of buying a new pair of monolo's or reaching for that designer bag she instead bags the guy over the counter. She wants something new, something thrilling. Something she can get away with. #4: The fantasy has fizzled. Romance fades and the prince you thought you were kissing ended up being the frog. His habits get under your skin and your tolerence for it isn't as high as it use to be. #5: Your ego needs a boost. You need to know that you still "got it goin' on" even with a perfect, wonderful, loving guy at your side. (I call these the sluts of the ballpark). Last but not least, #6: It's payback time. This is where the quote in the beginning of my entry plays a pretty big part. Hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned. And do I love the following analogy-- And when a woman catches her man in someone else's cookie jar, she figures she's got a right to a little indulgance of her own. So are these all valid justifications in our day and age to cheat? I guess it really is up to the cheated and the cheater in the end.

Compartmentalizing

2008-10-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned for this one.

Opposite

2008-10-15T02:43:00.000-07:00

I have to say, he and I are living specimens of the cliche "opposites attract". Oh and do they. On some level, which I have to say is probably the result of several years being around one another, we have grown to prioritize the same things and give the same perspectives on other people, ideas, et cetera. I have to admit though, sometimes he and I just agree with one another so there isn't much to dispute, it's easier that way when we only get to see one another a couple hours out of the weekend. Note that I say weekend because we only see each other then. So what does it mean to be compatible? This is the question that ponders me amongst other women. Well I've gone about to realize that the things we haven't agreed on we will most likely never agree on, ever. He pushes, I pull. He wakes up early, I wake up late. Of course, the former is an analogy and the latter, a minute difference, if not anything else. So intervening is another matter-- when we actually collide with thoughts; which we have in the past and many times do I remember that happening. He's a democrat for instance who is at least a supporter of Obama and though my own social class, not that I've officially established one but nonetheless, is of itself a democrat but it doesn't make me one bit a steadfast voter for the Obama-Biden ticket. Education-wise he and I are on different lines and maybe probably different paragraphs but, we're on the same page at the least. We are no beauty and the beast couple though, so it's not the attractiveness that's a matter. His goals however I can note are quite different than my own. He wants to make money right after college. I on the otherhand want to learn as much as I can. I want to go to school and continue going to school and not just for getting a degree in Genetics. I want other things, I want to be well rounded in my goals. I know he sees the bigger picture for me though-- this is where the pushing comes in. He wants me to be a doctor. Typical right? Well it's not my dream anymore. And I've grown to notice that when others try to pave a way for you in your life they take away a part of your dream which makes it all the more less significant for yourself if not totally. But I've put myself among different environments lately and I'm beginning to see the details, not just the big picture. There's a lot out there that I want to know, learn about, and be a part of. So there's one difference. At least I'm not liberal nor do I plan on working for free (at least not in the near future). So where did this mumbo jumbo come from? He asked me if he should buy a MAC. Again, I'd like to reiterate how I don't like making big deals or overthinking the small things. BUT, I do like writing and an entry that can tie in some explanation for a relationship is worth trying to write about. By the way, my answer? I told him to get one. P.S. I am a dedicated PC user. I guess compatability has a lot to do with support then. That is yet another thing to note; that sometimes we may not agree with our significant other but unconcsciously, we do look for someone to complement us, even in the slightest ways. Relationships are apparently about getting our own needs met. To end this, what makes us fall in love, excluding the other cliche of "love at first sight"? As I've read it, here's one reason if not the reason: "People who have studied attachment pretty much have learned that if two people are physically proximate and neither does bad things to the other, they can fall in love. They just have to be around each other enough". Four years going on five must have been the deal breaker for me.

Difficult

2008-10-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

It's not fair. It isn't. I had to want it and I didn't get it. I need to find relief. Karma perhaps? I doubt it. The world can be a cruel cruel place sometimes.

For What?

2008-10-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when you've anticipated it all? When you were excited to have school and work and meaningful activities fulfill each corner of your life? When you were happy that everything around you was finally falling in to place? When you actually scheduled your life for your life and nothing else. I had a Monday, to start off my week to say the least, blundered with what could have turned out to be a good day or a bad one. I admit that sometimes I look for signs around me but when you go back home at the end, things just don't always make sense. I was excited for being a counselor back at my old high school but because of things I can't control it seems farther from my reach now. It shows that there is one thing that makes the world go around and it isn't love, it's money. You'd think that as a student all you're supposed to do is study but some of us want more than sitting in a dorm room or a library reading endlessly. There are some who want more to fill their lives. When cliches are mentioned of having the rest of your life to work you realize that some people really don't understand the need and want of it all. I received my financial aid quote today and well what's a quote for when you have a total tuition to pay under family contribution? It really is just a mockery when you yourself know how much your family needs help in paying that one bill amongst others. I don't even want to complain about the economy but is this all really fair? You have students working at younger ages to try and provide themselves with their own feelings of responsibility, duty, empowerment. They work now not only because they need to now but want to. They want to help their families. They want to help their community. They want to help pay for their school and the tuition and the books they need and the supplies. They want to try and make a dent in the bills they know their parents receive weekly if not daily. Yet what happens when not even those in need of work don't get it? We all get shot down sometimes in our life but when there's no one there to even bother to help you, how are we expected to get up? What then? I wanted to help someone, to be helpful, and meaningful, to help change a student's life, I wanted to sit down with them and talk to them about what they could do to achieve more in life and in school. But now, my chances of that aren't even chances anymore. They're decisions made by the state and the money it doesn't have. I wanted to help a student get in to college, to be remembered as someone who helped them. I wanted to make an impact and what could I possibly tell them now? That when you think about college and the great possibilities it has to offer you really do set yourself up for disappointments and rejections or even the thought that I have running through my mind right now of why, why did I even try? I had something I could have held on forever-- I had a chance to make a difference. Now in what was only one simple phone call I had that dream taken away from me.

Rain

2008-10-05T02:40:00.000-07:00

It took quite some time but it finally rained today. After a summer's months of drought and dryness it finally felt like Fall.I woke up early to the unusual cloudiness and the coldness outside my window. I got up to run errands, one actually: to get his videos. I took a pretty good look outside the window before I left though. This cold Saturday morning reminded me so much of the ones I used to enjoy a long long time ago. I never had that feeling for some time but I was reminiscent of it today. Raining outside and tucked behind his bed sheets, sleeping-in after an hour's worth bus ride to his house. I remembered today how I miss the time we spent together like that. Not worrying or fighting, it made me a little happier to even think about it. Well my writing brings me to the things I noticed from today and not the past. I've come a long way and I have him to thank. A part of him and I fell apart when things got pretty bad last year, when I found out. A part of myself died that day I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was. I couldn't stop to care but I pushed myself to be alone-- to try and learn to. Quoting myself, "All I ever did was love him". From that day on I've pushed and pulled to be something different than that person I had grown to be. As much as the image of him changed before me that day, I didn't come to realize until recently how much of a different person I myself had become. I let a lot of anger and jealousy and disappointment consume me for the worse. And how did things turn out? I toppled myself with guilt and burden and blame. Today though, and recently, things have changed and for the better. I noticed after he left today all the things I do now for myself and I'm happy that I can do something and be proud of it and then I have him to share it with. Cases in the past, for the most part, I did things with him already-- there was nothing to share that wasn't already there and shared. But now, I have so much by myself and on my own. It's now that I understand that one saying, that you love a person because you want to and not because you need to. He's a great part of me, and my life, but he's just not everything. I know that may sound just a bit awful but it isn't. What it is is a really good thing. It means I've moved on from the past and I only have the future to look forward to. I'm more than content now, I'm happy, I'm enjoying myself, my life, my school, my college life, my new work, my friends, my family, my car, my weight, my room, my new love for all of this, my everything. I come first, but I will never forget that he helped teach me that. To him, thank you.

Mixed

2008-09-24T03:40:00.000-07:00

What feelings am I supposed to have about going back to High School? It's not just any other high school either but the one I came from. It feels like 90210 for me.. well just that this is in East LA. To answer that question and to put it easily, my feelings are mixed. This isn't me going back for another year of having a set schedule of six periods and nutrition and lunch and the fourth floor and walking up the hill after school. I actually don't know if I can really handle it. I really don't even know if it's even a good idea. Even though it's a different experience to go through now, there's a lot of looking back I'm going to do and a lot of reliving I want to try and stay away from. The problem is, as much as the teacher's, the school, the administrators, and the student's may have changed, I haven't. That is a definite answer. I'm solid when it comes to that and perhaps that's one thing that I know I'm secure and stable about, it's hard for me to change so I don't. It may not show, but I'm thinking the same way I have when I first stepped foot in there, I feel the same way and have quite the same amount of perspective and reasoning, if not more now, just as before. This is one challenge I'm excited to take. It's a challenge I'm nervous to take. The teachers and counselors and administrators who helped me get to where I am now are there and the thanks I have for them will never go unending so maybe, perhaps, this is one way I can give back this time around. -- I waited to get out of high school when I was in it. Now only after one year, I'm going back. And this time, it's with a new incentive, outlook, and an unexplainable amount of gratitude I need and want to give back.

No

2008-09-23T02:01:00.000-07:00

I got a text, it's really late. Who is this, what do you want, and why now. This is ancient history that's not about to repeat itself. Ugh. I miss him. I don't care how mad we get at one another or annoyed or irritated, I really miss him. And I really don't want anything or anyone else. I guess that's why I get so bitter sometimes. People either try to replace other friends and do it on purpose and it just really doesn't pan out that way. It just doesn't work. Yet they still try. Next thing you know, they're failing while they try so hard. No, I do not want to go out with you. No, I do not want to "kick it" with you. No, I (definitely) do not want to "blaze it" with you. No, I do not want to! No, I do not want you. No! Do you not hear me?! I don't get how people who cheat get off of this stuff. It makes me sick just thinking about it. There is no thrill to it, there is no reward for it. There is on the otherhand the guilt you have to live with. I do not need nor want any of that. I still miss him. And that's all I will keep doing, because when it comes down to it, at the end of the week, with only a Saturday shared, he's the one person who makes me happy, despite everything, it's him and just him.

Blank

2008-09-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

So I guess change for me really doesn't work out the way I want it to. I tried the being single thing. Didn't work. I tried the being mean thing. Didn't work. I tried the be the kind of person other people are-- you know the mean, cold-hearted, cheating, betraying, bitchy kind of people. Didn't work. That latter one was there for kicks, it's just not in me to be! Anyway, I went for the bedroom. I wanted a blank slate. So what did I do? I painted my walls white. Plain white. Glacier white to be exact. Before that though my walls were green, lime green. My walls were filled with deflated balloons, high school flyers, magazine pages, and his name written all over it, literally. It was from our high school's pep rally, he was a straight A kid and his name was up on our school's gym wall, an old or maybe I should say ex-friend took it down for me. Well nonetheless, after being tired of looking at all that stuff I took it all off . I didn't want anything to look that made me remember anyone nor anything I didn't want to. One by one my lime green walls were bare and the marks left by what had been up were painted over with. This summer was for me to move on and to start new. But what am I exactly stuck with now? I am left with a fourth of my wall that is BLANK. Nothing, NADA. I can't come up with anything at all to put up there. I wanted change and that's not quite what I got. I noticed going through all my things that there was a lot I didn't want to throw away. I hold on to things a lot. And I mean ALOT. Then when I realized I was doing it, a thought came over me that I don't like forgetting things nor some of the people I've met. And when I do push myself of all the problems I have with holding grudges and remembering the wrongs done to me, it really does come down to one thing: I can't let things go. Well at least that's what I thought. I threw trashbags away of things that I didn't want to remember and pictures I didn't want to see again. Then it came over me again, I use to do this with everything. With my pictures online and my multiple blogs and diaries that are all over the place. My life is messed up and I write about it anyway. I write to remember what's happened to me and to recall past feelings I've been reluctant to feel again. Luckily now I can just reflect on them instead of taking action on them. I hope to figure this white wall out because it seems to be a barrier each time I look at it-- and I don't mean that in the literal sense.

Crushed

2008-09-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

He's disappointed about his birthday and well, I'm just disappointed. Sometimes he acts like I am the immature one and to some extent that's true... yet I've come to understand that I'm immature to petty things. Things that either don't really matter or he finds not to matter. Feasible I suppose for him being a guy and all but nonetheless that is what it is: on some level he has to be in the right. I have to say though, the top is a lonely place for someone to want to be in. To his birthday though, previous years he's enjoyed his birthday more. There was his birthday of 2004--he is turning 15-- where I read him his birthday card in bed and beforehand a gigantic balloon I give him disappears to Athens, Greece on Cornwell Street by our school as we walk to catch the 605-- by all means necessary I do need to add that we were at the top of our youth, juvenile, young, naive (well I was) and we had no problems, and well at least that's what I thought. Then there was his birthday of 2005 where I was either a bad "girlfriend" for not writing down what I did with him that day or being an awful one writing down things I was doing behind his back. Anyway, that was the year he broke up with me. Awful birthday feedback for me in this case. Oh! But what's this? With the flickr account I have, I got to retrace his birthday gifts that day and it was the Cookies and Cream Ice Cream Cake with the Soccer Bag-- he was playing soccer that semester, "Happy 16th Birthday Diego!" is the writing on the cake in yellow. Next was his birthday of 2006. This was during the time where I stopped writing literally in my diary and instead on a Microsoft Document, now updated and entitled, simply, "memoir". This was also the year where I get invited halfheartedly IF AT ALL by his friends to a birthday party for him. Of course who would want me there? I was the "girlfriend" who and oh do I quote, "is not going to fit in". Well of course I would be lying and exaggerating if the girl who said it wasn't just in my class nor sitting right in front of me whispering to the other one. And he wonders why I didn't go that day, "you were invited?" -- yeah it surprised me too. Feel the sarcasm, please. I guess he really was more blind then than he is now. Oh and there was his birthday of 2007. I saved up working during summer and I went out to buy him a nano i-pod and an "Everyone Loves Our Trojan Engineer" cake that I ripped from one of his most worn t-shirts the school year and summer before. Well, not to be cold-hearted or ill-worded, but that was less than two months after the big "it" happened. So now we are down to this year, 2008. His birthday on the 19th was two days ago. And he's disappointed because it didn't feel like his birthday. There was no opening of gifts, oh, but there was a cake as he says which at least made it seem like a birthday. And I was cold and "a punk" for not asking him to come inside. But you know, he did say thank you for the dinner and the movie so that makes it all fine. Again, he was disappointed though. To be honest, I did and do feel bad and guilty that I couldn't have made his birthday any better. Now I'd love to recall my birthdays from 4 years ago until now but well, that's where the "I'm just disappointed" part comes in and what a waste of space that would be. In the essence of ending this entry though, let's just say that there was me one day on my birthday. I woke up early because he said he was coming. I plucked. I shaved. I took a shower. I dried my hair. I brushed my teeth. I put on make-up. I straightened out my hair. I picked out clothes to wear. "I'm here, come outside". I go outside. I walk. I open the door to his little red car. "Happy birthday!". He leaves. Yes, but you're the disappointed one I forgot and this blog is not supposed to be about me. Anyway, what would I know about being disappointed.

Late

2008-09-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

It's late but I have to say I'm more than content right now, I'm happy. I get and like chemistry-- which is the summer class I'm taking right now. Likewise, I'm losing weight and getting fit while at it. Nice to know that the gym can take my nerves and stresses away as I blast on about thirty-five minutes of music every other day and sweat the rest out. My room is coming together too. I've made lists, I've got my schedule down, my books ready for fall, sufficient grades, I like my hair cut, I have my new box of make-up. I like my positivity too-- odd much? Very. And this week is dedicated to One Tree Hill on Monday and the library or at least studying and blogging and the gym. Last week of summer school is here and yet with that, only two more weeks away from fall quarter. Here we go again. At the least, I know what's up this time. I'm liking this... then again, I hope it's not my hormones playing with me since it is that time of the month. Ha, I guess that's just a little too much information. Oh and I have my second blog up. No stresses, no drama, just grillz. Get it? Yeah, it's all about having braces!

Vocabulary

2008-08-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a few words out of it as follows. #1: Love. #2: Hate. #3: Cheat. #4: Jealousy. #5 Anger. #6: Payback. #7: Lies. So I reread a few past entries and I'm nauseous with this self-pity crap of everything that has to do with him. I needed him before because he secured my insecurities. He was there when I didn't want to be alone. He was my support when I needed it. But now? But now I've found independence and found happiness in the little things I have and probably never paid great attention to in the past. Family, certain friends, books, writing, blogging, scheduling, organizing, cleaning, shopping, music, driving. Yeah.. it's all the little things. So here is to the seven words and why I'm going to stop using them or thinking about them with anything regarding my life and my self. Number one: Love-- I'm taking it out because it's overly used and it's not even genuine anymore. They throw that word around like nothing. Anyway, that word makes things complicated. With the ideal that I am trying to be as optimistic as I can, I don't need it, what I need is happiness, yes that includes momentarily happiness, whatever that means. You know, like fun, the works. Number two: Hate-- I'm taking it out because I've had too much of it, like seriously. The grudges, the pain to hold on to hate. I don't need it. I don't want it! Number three: Cheat-- well, I meant cheating but you get the root word. I don't need cheating in anything. I don't want to hear about someone cheating on someone, I don't want to feel what it's like to be cheated on ever again. I don't want to render memories with that damned and disgusting and disgraceful word. Number four: Jealousy-- I don't care for it, everyone can do what they want with whomever they want, friends can go out with other friends, girlfriends can do what they want, boyfriends can do whoever they want. Whatever! Just don't want to hear the word. I had too much of it before. It can drive you well.. a little insane. Number five: Anger--- I don't want to be angry. I want to be happy. I'm healthy, I have loving parents, I go to a great school, I have a selected amount of great friends that can turn most of my frowns upside down with a few jokes and I like my clothes and bags and sunglasses and yes, sometimes material things do count. Number six: Payback-- I don't want any payback. That's how cycles of betrayal and all that crap continue. So cheers to me breaking one less cycle in love-hate relationships! Number seven: Lies. Lies will either come back to haunt you or you just feel guilty (well some people who have any sort of conscience would at least). But yeah! Here is to a goodbye to those seven words, amongst other things. Be happy, be glad, live, and live without regrets! Spread the .. well I can't say love.. so spread the happiness and the smiles! Be happy! Make the most of it all!!! Yup yup.. I don't thing this optimistic turn will last me a day. Here's to trying =]

Someone

2008-08-24T22:54:00.001-07:00

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's desire. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed for the fear of future pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of human beings. It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be unfaithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the moon "Yes!" it doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Risk

2008-08-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

When you feel alone, you feel like there's nothing to lose. So why not risk it all? And for what? Something lame and something meaningless? When the world is falling around you, either you fall with it or, you pick yourself up and keep walking. You can always do more. There is never enough to share, to be done, or to give. Even when others seemingly disappoint you.The thing is, sometimes, even more than others, it's not worth it.

"Proactive"

2008-08-07T16:44:00.000-07:00

So the term was coined by the psychiatrist Victor Frankl. In Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl describes how a person takes responsibility of his life rather than looking for causes in outside circumstances or other people. Because, even under the worst circumstances, people can make and find meaning. After having my installments of depression, loss, confusion, anger, and mishap, I guess you do realize at some point, there is only one way left to go when you hit rock bottom and that is up.

Cost

2008-07-13T23:45:00.001-07:00

How much do you really mean to someone? And how could you ever know? The odd thing about being in a relationship is you can love a person so much and never know how they really feel about you. But then again you can ask yourself the question, does it even matter? It's not a simple dilemma and it needs some thought before understanding. Again, this could come down to the issue of trust. But breaking down to it needs some tackling of the dirt covering up it all. Being in a meaningful relationship requires selflessness, dependence, stability, communication. Selflessness--showing concern for the welfare of another motivated by no concern for oneself. Dependence, the healthy kind of course-- needing (or again, in a healthy way wanting) someone for reliance, confidence, trust. Stability-- the attribute of being firm, steadfast and of consistent character even with another. Last but not least, character-- an account to one's qualities of morals and ethics. So once you have these fundamentals you have broken down the barrier between your heart and well, him. To give him yourself, in all completeness requires these and you do this because you find no other reason not to. Either the former, or you just don't want to believe the other reasons. Moving along, you have given your all to the other person and realize that you have given yourself only to come across as one-half of the puzzle. To what extent is that care and selflessness for another reciprocal? Here I stand, in wonderment. In the many years of true care and compassion for another human being other than oneself, you can find yourself in a moment of recognition, realization, and bewilderment. From your standpoint, you know what you have given, and what you have done to give your part in the relationship and it occurs to you, what has he? What has he done? And you think about it and you realize the great things he's done, to stick by you, to support you, to be there for you, to help you, to care for you. Still, are his even in any way equivalent to your own? Is it even possible for you to doubt the idea that maybe, just maybe you can't say the words "I know he loves me" to yourself? Or should that not even matter? Or does it only matter that you give your all in to a relationship that you yourself truly care about because you know that you have done your best in loving and caring and giving on your part? So let's say we do the latter, you are blinded by the love you have for him that you don't see his side, where there is his trust, his honesty, his selflessness, his dependence on you. Loving someone could be the greatest thing you could ever experience in life, but at what cost does he feel the same? Is it before or after you realize that you have given more than he has or before or after he realizes that he has taken and taken and now there's just nothing left to take? At what cost will you risk your heart, for him? For love? Or for yourself?